Embedded Files
Guilt is the feeling that you did something wrong or violated a personal or moral standard. It's often focused on a specific action ("I did a bad thing")
Regret is a broader feeling of wishing you'd made a different choice. It's often focused on an unfavorable outcome or missed opportunity, rather than a moral failing. ("I wish I had done things differently")
Remorse is a deeper, more profound feeling of sorrow and deep regret over a harmful action you've taken, especially one that has hurt another person. ("I feel awful for hurting that person")
"Sometimes after a death, serious feelings of guilt or remorse are felt, and these may linger on for months or even years. For example, one husband who was driving at the time of an automobile accident in which his wife was killed felt that if he had been more careful, it would not have happened, and that he was responsible not only for her death and the loss of his companion, but also for depriving the children of the presence of their mother."
"Another woman, who was having a problem with one of her children at home, called her husband at work and asked him if he could come to assist. He was killed in an accident on the way home. She felt that if she had managed the problem herself and had not asked him to come, the accident would not have happened."
"Some persons have mistakenly felt that the loss of their loved one was the result of their being taken by God as a punishment to the remaining spouse, who had not been living as righteously as they should."
"It is common for a person who has lost a loved one to reflect upon past times they have shared and to perhaps regret that there was not a more open show of affection or that thoughtful little things they would like to have done were postponed until it was too late." https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/1972/10/alone-through-death
Common reactions after the death of a loved one:
We may replay the past over and over, haunted by missed opportunities. "I should have done more".
We may regret having missed a final conversation with our loved one to express our love. "I didn't get to say goodbye."
Harsh words or unresolved conflicts can haunt us, even if they were minor or happened long ago. "I said something hurtful."
We may feel we failed to intervene or find a solution fast enough. "I didn't push harder for help."
We may second guess our medical decisions, timing, or emergency responses. "I chose the wrong treatment or care."
Survivor's guilt can make us question our right to healing and joy, as if moving forward dishonors our loved one. "When I start feeling good or laugh, it feels wrong."
Coping and Healing
Coping and Healing
"An individual who is experiencing feelings of guilt and continued remorse should seek help from a bishop and/or a professional person who can assist and provide guidance in working through the problems. While there may be justification sometimes for such feelings, the issue should be resolved so that one’s future is not mortgaged to the past." https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/1972/10/alone-through-death
Guilt is often a sign of love, not wrongdoing. Regret often signals our longing to rewrite the story, not our failure to love.
“When the Lord requires that we forgive all men (D&C 64:10), that includes forgiving ourselves. Sometimes, of all the people in the world, the one who is the hardest to forgive—as well as perhaps the one who is most in need of our forgiveness—is the person looking back at us in the mirror. Heaven is filled with those who have this in common: They are forgiven. And they forgive.” -Dieter F. Uchdorf "The Merciful Obtain Mercy" April 2012
How often should we forgive ourselves? "Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven." Matthew 18:21-22
Self-care
Self-care
Self-care is not a luxury, but a necessity for healing. Small daily acts of kindness to yourself can make a difference in moments of deep distress. Be patient and compassionate with yourself as you navigate this difficult journey.
Practice self-compassion, which is extending the same compassion you would graciously extend to others to oneself in instances of perceived inadequacy, failure, or general suffering. According to Dr. Kristen Neff, there are three components of self-compassion:
self kindness instead of self-judgment
identifying with humanity instead of seeking isolation
mindfulness
Go to https://self-compassion.org/self-compassion-practices/ and try the self-compassion exercises.
Discussion
Discussion
In what ways has guilt or regret manifested for you since your loved one's death? How does it feel?
What messages do you tell yourself when you feel guilty or regret? Are these messages helpful or unhelpful?
What are some small steps you have taken towards self-forgiveness?
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