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What to say immediately after a traumatic death
What to say immediately after a traumatic death
“I don’t know what to say, but I want you to know I care about you.”
“I'm so sorry for your loss. This is heart-breaking.”
“You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to, but I’m here to listen if you do.”
“I am praying for you.”
“Would it be helpful for you to talk about what has happened?” Taking the time to listen and be present with the person allows them to share as much as they want. Validating and normalizing their feelings can contribute to the griever feeling heard, understood, and supported. Respect the person’s privacy if he/she chooses not to talk.
“This is overwhelming. Your reactions and feelings are normal and understandable.” This can help the person recognize the wide range of reactions and emotions. It also tells them that their feelings and reactions are understandable given the tragic loss. These statements help to validate the person’s feelings and experience.
What NOT to say
What NOT to say
“It was their time.” How could you possibly know this?
“God wanted them more than you did.” Saying, “He is with God now” would be better.
“They are in a much better place now.” The griever would much rather their loved one be with them right now, not in heaven.
“I know exactly how you feel.” Each person’s loss and experience of loss is unique. Saying this minimizes a person’s experience.
“Time heals all wounds.” or “Things will get better with time.” Time can heal wounds, but this brings little if any comfort for the griever.
“All things work together for good.” This can minimize their pain and isn't comforting in the moment.
“There is a reason for everything.” It is often impossible to find a rational reason for some who dies in a traumatic way.
“You have other children.” When a child dies, other children cannot replace that loss. Each child is unique and the grief is unique.
“Your child or loved one is better off. They are not in pain any longer.” They may realize this but still miss the deceased tremendously.
“Count your blessings.” Grief can be so overwhelming right now and hearing this advice does little to help.
“You had so many wonderful years together.” This can feel like their pain is being minimized or brushed aside.
“Think of your precious memories.” The tragedy of the death often blocks out even the most precious memories.
“Keep your chin up.” Sometimes a person feels so sad that it helps to cry.
“You should …” These statements feel directive, not supportive. It also implies there's a right way to grieve which can feel controlling or invalidating. It can also carry the unspoken message of "you shouldn't feel so bad".
“You will …” These statements feel dismissive of the griever's current pain. A traumatic death often leaves people unsure of what healing even looks like. Predicting their future can feel pretentious and unrealistic.
“At least ...” These statements suggests that the person shouldn't be grieving; they are hollow and even offensive.
What to do after a traumatic death
What to do after a traumatic death
Consider asking the family if they would like a liaison. In the wake of this heartbreaking loss, the family may need help navigating the many calls, questions, and offers of support that will come from friends, church members, and the wider community. To honor their need for space and healing, they may need to identify someone who can serve as a compassionate liaison—someone trusted to communicate on their behalf, share updates when appropriate, and gently deflect what may feel overwhelming. This role is not about having all the answers, but about offering presence, protection, and grace. If the family does want this, you could help them choose someone and reach out to that person to discuss it.
Choose someone emotionally grounded and trusted by the family.
Clarify boundaries: What the family wants shared, what they prefer to keep private, and how often updates should be given.
Support the liaison: They may need guidance, encouragement, and backup—especially if media or community pressure arises.
Frame it as sacred service: This is a ministry of shielding, not managing. It’s about honoring grief, not controlling narratives.
Duties could include
Field calls, texts, and messages from friends, church members, and community contacts so the family isn’t inundated.
Gently deflect intrusive questions or well-meaning but overwhelming offers of help.
Protect the family’s emotional space, especially in the early days when shock and sorrow are most acute.
Share updates with the community as the family wishes—funeral details, memorial plans, or requests for privacy.
Craft compassionate messaging that reflects the family’s tone and values, avoiding speculation.
Coordinate with church leaders or ministry teams to ensure consistent, respectful communication.
Organize meals, childcare, or errands through a meal train or volunteer list—without burdening the family with logistics.
Help manage visitors by setting boundaries around timing, duration, and emotional readiness.
Serve as a point of contact for support groups, therapists, or legal professionals if needed.
Ensure the family’s wishes are honored in public statements, memorials, or church services.
Attend meetings or inquests with the family if requested, offering emotional steadiness and clarity.
Coordinate with clergy to ensure sermons, prayers, and memorials reflect the family’s grief and beliefs.
Speak the loved one’s name: Many people appreciate hearing their person remembered and honored.
Let them talk. Most of the time they just need to hear out loud what is going on inside their heads. They usually aren’t seeking advice.
Validate their experience: Acknowledge the complexity of grief—shock, guilt, anger, confusion, and deep sorrow.
Instead of saying, "Let me know if you need anything," offer specific help. The person may be in shock and unable to identify their needs, and they might automatically say they are "fine." You could say, "I'm going to the store, can I pick up some groceries for you?" or "I'd like to bring a meal over on Tuesday."
Offer to help with general household tasks: keep a list of calls and visitors; keep mail organized; keep track of bills, cards, etc.
Offer to make calls to people they wish to be notified. Help with errands, laundry, yard, etc. Help with thank you notes.
Help with logistics: Support with funeral planning, paperwork, or navigating systems (e.g., insurance, legal matters).
Learn about intense grief: Understanding its unique challenges helps you support more effectively.
Encourage professional help: Gently suggest therapy or support groups, and offer to help them find resources.
Introduce peer support: Connect them with others who’ve experienced a traumatic loss—through groups, events, or online communities.
Attend with them: Offer to go to a support group or memorial event together so they don’t feel alone.
Honor the loved one: Help create rituals, memorials, or tributes that reflect their life and legacy.
Remember important dates. Anniversaries of the death, birthdays, and holidays can be particularly difficult. A simple card, call, or text on these days can show that you remember and care.
Stay consistent: Grief evolves. Keep showing up—even months or years later.
What NOT to do after a death
What NOT to do after a death
Don't try to fix the person. Avoid giving unsolicited advice on what they "should" do or how they "should" feel. Don't say, "You just need to get out more" or "You should go to a support group." Instead, offer to help them find a group or simply listen without trying to solve their problems.
Don't make it about yourself. Avoid sharing stories about your own grief or struggles unless the person asks or it feels genuinely helpful. The focus should be entirely on their needs and their experience.
Don't express shock or make the person feel responsible for your feelings. For example, don't say, "I can't believe it, I never would have expected this."
Don’t minimize the loss. Avoid comparing it to other types of grief or implying it’s time to “move on.”
Don’t avoid the topic. Silence or withdrawal can deepen the griever's isolation. It’s okay to say, “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here.”
Don’t disappear after the funeral. Grief lasts much longer than the initial crisis. After the funeral, many people tend to return to their normal lives, leaving the grieving person to face their new reality alone. Don't be one of those people. Check in with them regularly, even if it's just a text message, to let them know you are still thinking of them.
Bereavement
Bereavement
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