Loneliness

After losing a loved one to suicide, many of us feel an acute and isolating form of loneliness, something we haven't felt before. It can be a deep anguish that permeates every aspect of our lives. At church, we may feel out of place and different than our friends who are singing about sunshine in their souls today. 

Here's how loneliness can feel for us:

1. A profound absence: It's not just missing our loved one; it's an overwhelming awareness of their absence in every space, every routine, every future plan. The world feels emptier, quieter, and fundamentally changed by their non-existence in it. It's a void where their presence used to be.

2. Disconnection from the "before": The traumatic nature of the suicide created a stark "before and after" phenomenon for us. We may now feel isolation from our own past, from the life we shared with our loved one. The person who knew us in that "before" state is now gone, leaving us with a feeling of disconnection from our own past and identity.

3. No one understands: Because suicide grief is so intense and often involves graphic details or complex emotions (like anger, guilt, or anxiety alongside profound sorrow), we often feel that no one else can truly grasp the depth of our pain. This leads to a deep sense of isolation, even from well-meaning friends and family.

4. The "unspeakable": The circumstances of a suicide death can be difficult to talk about, creating a barrier. People may shy away from us, or we may feel compelled to protect others from the unspeakable details, leading to further feelings of isolation. 

5. Difference in grief: Others may share in grieving our loss with us, but they didn't experience the trauma of the death in the same way we did. This can create a chasm of understanding, where even shared sadness feels lonely.

6. Invisible wall: It's as if an invisible wall has been erected between us and the rest of the world. Life around us continues – people laugh, go to work, make plans – and this normalcy can feel jarring and isolating. We often feel like we are watching life happen from behind thick glass, unable to fully participate or connect.

7. Exhausting to connect: The emotional and physical toll of suicide grief can make the effort to connect with others feel monumental. Explaining our pain, navigating others' discomfort, or trying to pretend to be "okay" can be exhausting, leading to withdrawal and compounding the loneliness.

8. Loss of future connections: It's not just the present absence, but the acute loneliness for all the future moments that will now never be shared – milestones, inside jokes, everyday companionship, dreams, and plans. The future feels emptier and less bright, defined by the absence of that unique connection.

At times, we seek solitude, to be left alone in our grief, alone in our tears. It's okay to want our own space: this is intentional, restorative, and chosen. It's the kind of isolation that allows us to process our thoughts and feelings, to engage in meaningful reflection or prayer, to recharge from social demands, to feel safe and whole in the silence. Healthy alone time often feels peaceful, empowering, and even sacred.

"One of the realities of losing a loved one through death is experiencing feelings of loneliness. Most people do not understand the phenomenon of loneliness; they usually try to escape from it rather than capitalize upon it. Loneliness is neither good nor bad, but is a point of intense and timeless awareness of the self, a beginning that initiates totally new sensitivities and awarenesses and that can result in bringing a person deeply in touch with his own existence and with others in a more fundamental sense than has ever occurred before."

"Experiencing solitude gives one the opportunity to draw upon untouched capacities and resources. It can bring into awareness new dimensions of self, new beauty, new power for human compassion, and a reverence for the precious nature of each breathing moment."

"In solitary moments, man experiences truth, beauty, nature, reverence, humanity. Loneliness enables one to return to a life with others with renewed hope and vitality, with fuller dedication, with a deeper desire to come to a healthy resolution of problems and issues involving others, and with the possibility and hope for a rich, true life with others. Our task, then, is to learn to care for our own loneliness and suffering and for the loneliness and suffering of others. By this means, one can gain strength and growth in new directions to enhance his dignity, maturity, beauty, and capacity for tenderness and love."  https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/1972/10/alone-through-death 

Self-Care

Self-care is not a luxury, but a necessity for healing. Small daily acts of kindness to yourself can make a difference in moments of deep distress. Be patient and compassionate with yourself as you navigate this difficult journey. 

No Longer Lonely: 7 Ways to Connect by Julianne Holt-Lunstad https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/liahona/2024/09/18-no-longer-lonely-7-ways-to-connect 

1. Rely on the Savior: Drawing closer to Heavenly Father and the Savior through prayer, studying the scriptures, and worship on the Sabbath and in the temple will help you know you are never alone. 

2. Be friendly: Seeking opportunities to bless the lives of others who are also struggling with loneliness may be the most powerful interventions of all. 

3. Build on common interests: Seek out people and groups whose interests, perspectives, and standards are similar to yours.

4. Strengthen existing relationships: Remember that the quality of your relationships is more important than the number of relationships you have. "Numerous studies confirm that it's not the quantity of friends but the quality of a few relationships that actually matters."  -Brené Brown, Atlas of the Heart, page 180.

5. Seek opportunities to serve and share your talents and spiritual gifts: When we feel our efforts are having a positive effect on others, it can bring a sense of meaning and purpose to our lives. 

6. Plan for challenging times: Holidays and significant dates, such as the anniversary of a loved one’s death, can be difficult. Try to plan activities with friends or family on such days to keep from dwelling on the connections you wish you had. 

7. Participate in temple and family history work. This is a powerful way to feel comfort and belonging. Elder Dale G. Renlund of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles promised numerous blessings we can receive, including “increased love and appreciation for ancestors and living relatives, so we no longer feel alone.” 

Discussion Questions

• What does loneliness feel like for you in your grief? How has it changed over time? 

• What are some things you wish others understood about the loneliness that comes with loss?

• Have you found any specific practices or activities that help ease the loneliness of grief? What has worked, and what hasn’t?