Grief Fog and Fatigue

Grief Fog

Following a loss, we may feel like a thick fog has descended upon us, clouding our mind, making it difficult to concentrate. Some call this "grief fog".  Grief fog can manifest as forgetfulness, confusion, trouble focusing, feeling lost, or feeling overwhelmed by simple tasks. It can also feel like time is moving too fast, or too slow, or some combination of the two. See https://www.griefspecialists.org/post/grief-brain-fog-why-it-happens-and-how-to-cope 

Numbness

When the death of a loved one occurs, the vibrant colors of our lives can drain away leaving a stark, gray landscape. In those initial moments, and sometimes stretching long afterwards, a profound numbness can descend. It's not the absence of feeling, exactly, but more like an emotional anesthesia, a detachment from the raw agony that can be overwhelming.

This numbness acts as a shield, a temporary buffer against the full force of the pain. It's the mind and body's way of saying, "This is too much, too fast. I need time to absorb the impossible." Everyday sensations might feel muted, as if experienced through a thick pane of glass. The laughter of others can sound distant and foreign, their concerns trivial in the face of such a catastrophic event. Even the reality of the loss itself can feel surreal, an unbelievable nightmare from which we expect to awaken.

Fatigue

We can also experience a profound and debilitating fatigue, far beyond normal tiredness. It's a deep, pervasive exhaustion that affects our mind, body, and spirit. It's a natural, though often distressing, response to the immense strain placed on our system. Here's how this fatigue can manifest itself:

1. Mental Exhaustion: Our minds are constantly processing the shock, the grief, and the unanswered questions. This intense mental work is incredibly draining, like running multiple complex programs in our brains simultaneously, without pause. The constant ebb and flow of intense emotions—sadness, anger, anxiety, guilt, numbness—is emotionally taxing. Each wave of emotion can leave us feeling depleted. Our minds can feel foggy, unable to focus, unable remember things, or unable make even simple decisions. This "brain fog" is a result of our brain's resources being redirected to emotional processing, leaving little capacity for other mental tasks.

2. Physical Exhaustion: Nightmares, intrusive thoughts, anxiety, and heightened awareness can lead to insomnia, frequent waking, or restless sleep that doesn't feel restorative. It can feel like being constantly on a treadmill. In the depths of our grief, basic self-care like eating regularly, staying hydrated, or engaging in light physical activity can be neglected, further contributing to physical fatigue.

3. Spiritual Exhaustion: Grappling with the "why" of our loved one's death, can be spiritually exhausting. The effort to find meaning in something meaningless can drain our spiritual energy. A profound sense of meaninglessness or a loss of purpose can also contribute to a deep, spirit-level fatigue, where our motivation to engage with life diminishes.

It's like living with a constant low battery. Our fatigue can lead to social withdrawal, irritability, and a feeling of helplessness, making the already arduous journey of grief even more challenging.

Coping

Don't judge yourself for feeling numb or exhausted. This is your body and spirit's way of processing an immense shock. The feeling of numbness can be especially disquieting, as it can feel like you've lost the Spirit. However, this is a normal part of the grieving process. It's not a spiritual failure. 

"Fatigue is the common enemy of us all—so slow down, rest up, replenish, and refill. Physicians promise us that if we do not take time to be well, we most assuredly will take time later on to be ill. " -Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, October 2013 https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel

This counsel is especially relevant in grief. Accept that you have a finite amount of energy and it's okay if that amount is very small right now. The physical and emotional toll of grief is immense. The Church teaches that even the Lord rested on the seventh day (see Genesis 2:2-3). This principle applies to us as well. 

Pace Yourself. Don't try to "power through" the exhaustion. Give yourself permission to rest. This might mean saying no to social engagements, taking naps, or simply sitting quietly. 

When praying, you may not feel a connection or not have the words to say. That's okay. A simple, honest prayer, like "Heavenly Father, I feel nothing. Please help me," is enough. The act of reaching out is what matters, not the eloquence of the prayer. 

When your mind is in a fog, complex tasks are impossible. Instead, focus on small, manageable spiritual habits. 

When reading the scriptures seems daunting, you may only read a single verse and ponder it. Passages that focus on hope and the Resurrection can be especially comforting, such as Moroni 7:41, which speaks of having "hope through the atonement of Christ and the power of his resurrection."

When you're too fatigued to read or pray, listening to general conference talks or hymns can be a simple way to fill your home with the Spirit. 

Allow Others to Serve You. Your ward family and ministering brothers and sisters want to help. Don't feel guilty about accepting their meals, their company, or their quiet support. 

Self-Care

Self-care is not a luxury, but a necessity for healing. Small daily acts of kindness to yourself can make a difference in moments of deep distress. Be patient and compassionate with yourself as you navigate this difficult journey. 

Explore various ways of expressing your grief. Other than talking, there are multiple ways to acknowledge your grief and express your emotions such as journaling, poetry, painting, drawing, dancing, planting a tree or garden, visiting a place of meaning, collecting keepsakes, writing letters to your loved one, giving service and dedicating the act to your loved one, baking, sculpting, crafting a memory jar, crocheting, making grief beads or bracelets, assembling a model, putting together a puzzle, practicing yoga, taking a class on something that interests you, and going on a walk.

More Self-Care Ideas 

Discussion

• Have you experienced grief fog? What has your experience been like for you?

• Can you describe what the feeling of numbness has been like for you in your grief? 

• What activities feel exhausting now that didn't before your loss?

• What strategies have helped you balance rest and daily responsibilities?