Holidays, Birthdays, Anniversaries

Holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries can be incredibly painful after loving a loved one. These dates once marked celebration. Now they carry sorrow, longing, and sometimes dread. These dates often highlight the absence of our loved one and can bring a wave of intense emotions—sadness, anger, loneliness, and anxiety. It’s important to remember that it’s okay for these days to be hard and that there’s no right or wrong way to feel. 

Grief doesn’t just show up on the day of a milestone—it begins creeping in days, even weeks before. We often feel a sense of dread, anxiety, or emotional heaviness leading up to holidays, birthdays, or the anniversary of a death. This is known as anticipatory grief, and it can be more intense than the day itself. As the day comes closer, it’s important to notice what we need and how we can support ourselves through this emotionally sensitive season. 

Why It Hurts so much

• The mind imagines worst-case scenarios: Without a reference point, especially in the first year, the brain often assumes the day will be as painful as the moment of loss itself. 

• There’s pressure to “do it right”: We may feel torn between honoring our loved one, participating in traditions, or avoiding the day altogether.

• It’s a collision of memory and absence: Anticipation brings up vivid memories of what used to be—and the aching awareness of what’s missing.

• The body remembers: Even if the mind isn’t consciously focused on the date, the body may feel it—fatigue, anxiety, restlessness.

Tips for Navigating Special Days

Here are some strategies to help handle these difficult days. The most important thing is to do what feels right for you, not what you think you should do. 

1. Plan Ahead

The first step in preparing for the holidays is to pause and listen inward: What will support you most during this season? Strong memories and deep emotions may surface—this is normal. Rather than fearing them, prepare for them with compassion.

Think ahead about both the joys and the stressors that may come. Choose the gatherings and traditions that feel meaningful to you, and give yourself permission to step away from those that don’t. If you anticipate feeling lonely, consider arranging time with someone who offers comfort and safety. If the idea of hosting the entire extended family feels overwhelming, it’s okay to express your needs and set boundaries.

Take time to sit down with trusted family or friends and talk openly. Together, decide which activities, experiences, and people truly make the holidays feel sacred and special.

You don’t have to do everything with everyone. Instead, choose to do a few meaningful things with a few meaningful people. Here are some ideas to consider:

• Take a trip: Consider going somewhere new or a place that was meaningful to your loved one.

• Stay home: If staying home feels safest, that’s perfectly fine. You might spend the day watching movies, reading, or just resting.

• Plan a quiet activity: A walk in a favorite park, a visit to a peaceful place, or time for quiet reflection can be very comforting.

• Light a candle: Lighting a candle for them can be a simple, beautiful ritual.

• Listen to their favorite music: Put on their favorite album or a song that reminds you of them.

• Create a memorial: Set up a small space with photos and meaningful objects to remember them.

2. Embrace That This Year Will Be Different

The holidays won’t look or feel the same—and that’s okay. Loss reshapes traditions, expectations, and emotions. Rather than resisting the change, allow yourself to acknowledge it. This year may carry more quiet moments, fewer gatherings, or new ways of honoring your loved one. Let go of the pressure to recreate the past. Instead, make space for what feels meaningful now, even if it’s simpler, smaller, or slower. This year, consider revisiting your goals and finding a gentle balance between honoring the past and embracing change.

Many find comfort in creating new traditions that reflect the memory of a loved one. Whether it’s lighting a candle, preparing a favorite dish, or setting aside quiet time for reflection, these small acts can bring peace and meaning.

Let go of the pressure to do it all. If cooking and baking bring you joy, let the dusting wait. If the thought of hosting feels heavy, ask for help. Invite others to share in the spirit of the season—not just in celebration, but in support. Here are some ideas to consider:

• Set a place at the table: Some people find comfort in setting a place for their loved one at a holiday meal. You might place a photo or a special item there.

• Share stories: Invite family and friends to share their favorite memories of your loved one. This can turn a day of sadness into a day of celebrating their life.

• Cook their favorite meal: Making a dish they loved can be a tangible way to feel connected to them.

• Engage in an act of service: Volunteering or making a donation in their name can be a powerful way to honor their memory and bring some good into the world.

3. Remember That Others Are Grieving, Too

You’re not the only one carrying sorrow this season. Family members and friends may also be navigating their own grief, even if it looks different from yours. Whenever possible, create space for honest conversations—share your feelings, listen to theirs, and acknowledge that everyone’s journey is unique.

Respecting each other’s choices may require compromise. Some may want to gather, others may need solitude. Some may hold tightly to tradition, while others seek change. There’s no single “right” way to grieve. What matters most is approaching one another with compassion, flexibility, and grace

4. Prioritize Self-Care

Be gentle with yourself. You are grieving, and you need extra care and compassion during these times.

• Name the dread: Saying “I’m feeling anxious about next week” can reduce its power.

• Be kind to yourself: Don’t feel pressured to be "okay" or to put on a brave face. It's okay to cry, to feel angry, or to be quiet.

• Communicate your needs: Let friends and family know what you need. It’s okay to say, "I'm not up for celebrating this year" or "I just need a quiet day with a few people."

• Have an "escape plan": If you are going to a social gathering, give yourself permission to leave early if you feel overwhelmed. Having a friend you can text or call is also a good idea.

Remember, these days are about navigating your own grief and finding what brings you a sense of peace. Be compassionate with yourself and know that it's okay for these days to be hard.

Discussion

• How does your body respond in the days leading up to a special date or holiday?

• What is a special tradition you have created to honor your loved one on a special date or holiday? 

• How do you plan to handle upcoming birthdays or holidays? What is one specific thing you might do on that day?