Relief

Relief is defined as a feeling of reassurance and relaxation following release from anxiety, distress, or pain. The greater the prior state of suffering, the more profound the feeling of relief can be. While it can be pleasant, relief is different from joy or happiness. It's more about the absence of something negative rather than the presence of something positive. 

Feeling relief after a loved one dies—is one of the most tender and misunderstood aspects of grief. Here's how relief can feel after a loss:

• Relief from suffering: If our loved one struggled with a mental illness, an addiction, a severe disability, or was trapped in a great deal of pain leading up to their death, relief can stem from our understanding that their suffering has ended. 

• Relief from the burden of care giving or witnessing suffering: For those of us who were primary caregivers, particularly in cases of prolonged mental or physical illnesses, there can be a deep, almost physical relief from the constant demands, emotional drain, and physical exhaustion of care. If we were constantly worried about our loved one's safety or well-being, there can be relief from the incessant fear, vigilance, and psychological strain of living with that threat. This is not a relief that our loved one is gone, but a relief from the overwhelming worry and burden of care. 

• Relief from a dysfunctional relationship: While extremely complex and often accompanied by intense guilt or shame, if our relationship with the deceased was characterized by abuse, chronic conflict, or deep dysfunction, the death can bring a sense of freedom or relief from constant emotional distress. 

In these cases, relief is not a betrayal—it’s a human response to the lifting of intense pressure, pain, or helplessness. But when we feel relief after loss, guilt can enter in. Why is this so? Here's some reasons:

• Social Expectations: We are taught to believe that death is only a cause for sadness. When we feel something other than profound grief, we may feel we're "grieving wrong." The guilt comes from the perceived violation of these social norms.

• Internal Moral Conflict: We may interpret our feeling of relief as a sign that we didn't love the person enough or that we were secretly wishing for their death. This can create an internal conflict between the emotion we're feeling and our deeply held belief that we should be heartbroken.

• Fear of Judgment: We may worry that if others find out we feel a sense of relief, we will be judged as heartless or selfish. This fear can intensify feelings of guilt and lead to us to isolating ourselves with our emotions.

• The "Should" Factor: The guilt is often tied to the belief that we "should" be feeling a certain way. We may think, "I should be devastated," or "I shouldn't feel this sense of peace." This focus on what we believe we're supposed to feel, rather than what we're actually feeling, can be a primary driver of guilt.

Coping with the guilt that accompanies relief

Accept the complexity of grief: Understand that grief is not a single emotion. It's a complex, often contradictory mix of feelings. It's possible to feel deep sadness for your loss and, at the same time, relief that suffering has ended (either theirs or your own).

Give yourself permission to feel: The guilt often comes from judging your own emotions. Consciously tell yourself that it's okay to feel relieved. Remind yourself that feeling relief does not diminish the love you had for the person who died.

Find a trusted person: Speak with a close friend, a family member, or a therapist who can listen without judgment. Simply articulating your feelings of relief and guilt can help to lessen their power. 

Self-Care

Self-care is not a luxury, but a necessity for healing. Small daily acts of kindness to yourself can make a difference in moments of deep distress. Be patient and compassionate with yourself as you navigate this difficult journey. 

More Self-Care Ideas 

Discussion Questions

• Experiencing relief can be complicated. Have you experienced relief mixed with guilt or sadness? 

• If relief feels unfamiliar or fleeting, what would it take to welcome it without judgment?