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When our loved one left this life, they also left us behind. When this happened, we may have felt abandoned by them. We may have felt rejected by them. We may have even felt betrayed, wondering why they didn't trust us enough to seek our help, to tell us about the severity of their suffering, and about the depth of their despair.
"Betrayal is so painful because, at its core, it is a violation of trust. It happens in relationships in which trust is expected and assumed, so when it's violated, we're often shocked, and we can struggle to believe what's happening. It can feel as if the ground beneath us has given way. When we're injured by betrayal, we can suffer high levels of anxiety, depression, anger, sadness, decreased self worth, embarrassment, humiliation, shame, and even trauma symptoms." -Brené Brown, Atlas of the Heart, page 194.
Questions of "Why wasn't I enough?" or "Why didn't they want to stay with me?" or "What was so bad that they preferred leaving me/us?" may have invaded our thoughts. One of the most agonizing part is our loved one is no longer here to explain their pain and their reasons for leaving. This lack of explanation can feel like a deliberate withholding, leaving us feeling abandoned in our confusion and grief.
For many of us, there was no opportunity to say goodbye, no chance to make amends for past hurts, no final conversation, no farewell, no last expression of love. This abrupt departure left us with an emptiness and a feeling of having been cut off.
"...the act may seem like an assault on or rejection of those left behind. So the feelings of anger, rejection, and abandonment that occur...are especially intense and difficult to sort out after a suicide." https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/left-behind-after-suicide
"Many survivors of suicide loss feel immense anger toward their loved one—for abandoning them, for causing them such awful pain, or for not trusting them enough to share their despair. It’s even normal to feel like the death is a personal rejection; someone may secretly suspect that if they were different or somehow more “special,” their loved one would not have chosen to take their own life. While this feeling isn’t based in reality, feeling rejected is agonizing..." https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/suicide/coping-after-suicide-loss
Coping
Coping
Here are some ways we can cope with these intense feelings:
Talk About It in Safe Spaces: Support groups, professional therapists, and trusted spiritual leaders can help you process these emotions without fear of judgment. You don’t have to carry them alone.
Write Letters You’ll Never Send: Express your anger, confusion, and sorrow in writing. Let your heart speak freely. This can be a powerful way to release what’s been held inside.
Seek Heaven's Help
"God hears every prayer we offer and responds to each of them according to the path He has outlined for our perfection. It is for reasons known only to God why prayers are answered differently than we hope—but I promise you they are heard and they are answered according to His unfailing love and cosmic timetable. If we “ask not amiss,” there are no limits to when, where, or about what we should pray. Our prayers ought to be vocal when we have the privacy to so offer them. If that is not practical, they should be carried as silent utterances in our heart." -Jeffrey R. Holland "Motions of a Hidden Fire" April 2024
"In all of mortality, surely there is no voice we need to hear more, no gift more precious we should seek, no influence more deeply to be desired than the voice of the Holy Ghost and that gift. I testify of its reality and of its power to comfort, to guide, and to bless." -Jeffrey R. Holland, "The Holy Ghost," April 1997
"And inasmuch as you desire a companion, I will give unto you my Spirit to be with you, and he shall comfort your heart." Doctrine and Covenants 31:11
Self-Care
Self-Care
Self-care is not a luxury, but a necessity for healing. Small daily acts of kindness to yourself can make a difference in moments of deep distress. Be patient and compassionate with yourself as you navigate this difficult journey.
Be patient. Think about the range of emotions you are feeling and consider that others around you are going through a similar process. Be patient with yourself and with others. Some people will provide you with incredible support. Others simply do not understand what you are going through. There is no right way to grieve and despite the unfortunate stigma still linked to it, “suicide” is not a dirty word. Know your limits and respect them. Learn the limits of others and respect those, too. https://samaritanshope.org/resources/the-importance-of-self-care-for-suicide-loss-survivors/
Discussion
Discussion
Have you experienced feelings of betrayal related to your loved one’s passing?
Have you struggled with feeling rejected due to your loved one’s death? How has that shaped your healing process?
Have you experienced feelings of abandonment related to your loved one’s passing?
How have you been able to cope with feelings of abandonment, rejection, and betrayal?
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