Suicide Grief

"When someone chooses to end their pain with suicide, a complicated and uniquely painful grieving process begins for loved ones left behind (typically referred to as survivors). Feelings of confusion, guilt, abandonment, rejection, and anger are intensified....There is a tendency for survivors to withdraw from others in shame because of fears of blame, judgment, and stigma. Survivors might also feel trauma-related reactions, especially for someone who discovers the body. Survivors can even develop suicidal thoughts themselves in their grief." https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/liahona/2017/09/saved-after-my-daughters-suicide/how-survivors-heal 

“The act of taking one’s life is truly a tragedy because this single act leaves so many victims: first the one who dies, then the dozens of others—family and friends—who are left behind, some to face years of deep pain and confusion.” M. Russell Ballard “Suicide: Some Things We Know, and Some We Do Not,” Ensign, Oct. 1987

When our loved one took their own life, we were overwhelmed by waves of intense emotions. Over time, their intensity and frequency lessened, but the feelings never truly disappeared. In our support group, we explore the emotions we experience in grief. But does talking about them really help? 

"It's true that...talking about your feelings does not change what you are going through. However, self-expression does have the capacity to change you and the way you see the world around you. Putting your feelings into words gives them meaning and shape. Feelings are not punishment, they are information...Emotions want and try to demand attention. However, if you deny, inhibit, or self-treat your feelings, your pain will last longer...To express means, in part, to press out...Expression allows you...the freedom to recognize and integrate your emotions in their fullest form." -Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph. D. "Understanding Your Suicide Grief", pages 92-93.

Here are some common emotions we may feel:

• heartbreak because of our deep love for the one who died, we miss them so much

• rejected by our loved one for abandoning us

• guilty for missing clues about the seriousness their condition, thinking we didn’t do enough, or we were somehow responsible for our loved one’s death

• unforgiving, struggling to forgive our loved one, others, and even ourselves

• disoriented, losing track of time, having difficulty focusing, forgetting things we used to remember, sometimes we wonder if we are going crazy

• anxiety, especially around significant dates such as anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, and the date of our loved one’s death

• confusion, trying to understand why our loved one died so tragically, asking questions such as: “Why didn’t I see it coming?", "Why didn’t I receive a prompting to prevent it?", or "Why didn’t they reach out to me for help?”

• stuck in a loop, replaying "what if" and "if only" scenarios or the horrible events surrounding their suicide in our minds 

• traumatized, with symptoms such as memory loss, nightmares, flashbacks, aches and pain, blurry vision, loss of appetite, overeating, difficulty concentrating, difficulty sleeping, and loss of interest in activities we used to enjoy

• despair, as secondary losses snowball such as shattered hopes and dreams of a future life together, new financial burdens, loss of mental faculties, and a loss of identity because our roles and relationships have changed or disappeared

• helpless, with strained family relationships as everyone copes in different ways, making it hard to support one another as we struggle with our own grief

• dysfunctional, like a meteor has struck our family, sending everyone in different orbits of grief and pain, with some family members blaming one another whether its vocalized or not

• lonely, even in church surrounded by loving friends who haven't experienced the complexity and magnitude of our pain

• hurt, as people around us, even with the best intentions, say things that are less than helpful or worse

• isolated, avoiding going out in public because of shame, judgment, embarrassment, or fear that we might break down and cry in front of everyone

• fatigue, being exhausted physically, emotionally, mentally, and even spiritually; we pray to have this bitter cup removed

• relief: If our loved one struggled with a mental illness, an addiction, a severe disability, or was trapped in a great deal of pain leading up to their death, relief can stem from our understanding that their suffering has ended. For primary caregivers, there can be a deep, almost physical relief from the constant demands, emotional drain, and physical exhaustion of care. If we were constantly worried about our loved one's safety, there can be relief from the fear, vigilance, and strain of living with that threat. This is not a relief that our loved one is gone, but a relief from the overwhelming worry and burden of care. 

• hopeless, with our faith in God taking a big hit, we may even experience a crisis of faith

Suicide grief is deep and complex, making it impossible to capture all the intense emotions we may experience in its terrible wake. For many of us, even in the midst of devastation, we have witnessed the Lord's hand at work in our lives. 

"I testify that the tender mercies of the Lord are real and that they do not occur randomly or merely by coincidence. Often, the Lord’s timing of His tender mercies helps us to both discern and acknowledge them." -David A. Bednar May 2005 https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/2005/05/the-tender-mercies-of-the-lord 

Self-Care

Self-care is not a luxury, but a necessity for healing. Small daily acts of kindness to yourself can make a difference in moments of deep distress. Be patient and compassionate with yourself as you navigate this difficult journey. 

Stay present. Take this process one day at a time and take each moment as it comes. This allows you to be able to identify, acknowledge, and accept your feelings as they come. Grief following a suicide can feel unpredictable. Keep a journal, practice yoga, or meditate – anything that gives you time to focus on what you are feeling and how you want to handle it. https://samaritanshope.org/resources/the-importance-of-self-care-for-suicide-loss-survivors/ 

More Self-Care Ideas 

Discussion

• What are some emotions you’ve struggled to express about your loss?

• In what ways have your emotions impacted your daily life or relationships with others? 

• Have you experienced any tender mercies or "beauty-for-ashes" moments? If so, would you be willing to share?