Survivor Bill of Rights

My Right to Feel; I have the right to:

• experience grief in my own way for as long as I need to, perhaps for my whole life.

• be angry at my loved one, at the world, at myself, and even at God, knowing that He is my gentle Father of perfect understanding and forgiving of my weaknesses.

• feel guilty about this death, even though it was not my fault. I understand that there was no way I could have known what would happen at that exact time. I also know that I could not control the thoughts or actions of my loved one. Even still, I must feel and explore any possible feelings of guilt to move beyond them eventually. 

• feel a multitude of deep and lasting emotions without judging them as right or wrong, they are a normal reaction to my devastating loss.

• have bad days, bad weeks, bad months, and even bad years.

• feel joy even if it’s mixed with sorrow. “The cavity which suffering carves into our souls will one day also be the receptacle of joy” –Elder Neal A. Maxwell.

My Right to Remember; I have the right to:

• remember the entirety of my loved one’s life, knowing the way they died is not the defining moment of their life. “I believe the vast majority of cases will find that these individuals have lived heroic lives and that that suicide will not be a defining characteristic of their eternities.” –Elder Dale G. Renlund.

• treasure the memories of my loved one every day for the rest of my life.

My Right to Know; I have the right to:

• know what can be known about what happened. If I have questions about the death, I have the right to have those questions answered honestly and thoroughly by those who may have the information I seek.

• know common emotional triggers, anniversaries, and strategies to cope with traumatic memories or unexpected emotions.

• know about mental health resources, including counseling, suicide prevention support, and crisis intervention, tailored to survivors of traumatic loss.

• know the unique aspects of our grief and the importance of self-care and how to practice self-care each day.

• know about support resources such as loss survivor groups, peer support communities, and other networks that can provide understanding, comfort, and guidance.

• know that I can survive this. I might not think so now, but I can and I will. 

• know that anger, guilt, confusion, forgetfulness, headaches, loss of appetite, inability to sleep are common responses. I am not crazy, I am in mourning. 

• know that having thoughts of death is common; it does not mean that I will act on those thoughts. 

• know that the choice was not mine; no one is the sole influence in another's life.

My Right to Act; I have the right to:

• live one day at a time, trying to get through today and then the next day, knowing that the Lord will walk by my side and carry me when I cannot do it on my own.

• distance myself from others who want to tell me what or how I’m supposed to feel. 

• laugh, even with tears in my eyes. 

• talk about my grief, my loved one, and tell my story and their story as many times as I need to with loving and supporting friends and family.

• be silent if I don’t want to talk about it.

• set limits and boundaries and say ‘no’ to things I used to always say ‘yes’ to, knowing I don’t have to please everyone.

• put off decisions, especially major ones, until I can think more clearly. 

My Right to Hope; I have the right to:

• hope for a continued life filled with meaning and love even while I still miss my loved one; knowing that feelings of happiness, joy, and peace are not disloyal to my loved one but are gifts from heaven.

• look forward to a joyous reunion with my loved one when it is my time to pass through the veil, never to be separated again.

My Right to Believe; I have the right to:

• believe in the Lord’s infinite and perfect love, mercy, understanding, and judgment in how He received my loved one. “Persons subject to great stresses may lose control of themselves and become mentally clouded to the point that they are no longer accountable for their acts. Such are not to be condemned for taking their own lives. It should also be remembered that judgment is the Lord’s; he knows the thoughts, intents, and abilities of men; and he in his infinite wisdom will make all things right in due course.” –Elder Bruce R. McConkie.

• believe that when my loved one passed into the spirit world, they were welcomed by adoring ancestors and then wrapped in the loving arms of the Savior. “What have we to console us in relation to the dead? We have reason to have the greatest hope and consolation for our dead of any people on the earth; for we have seen them walk worthily in our midst, and seen them sink asleep in the arms of Jesus…” – Joseph Smith, King Follett Discourse

• believe my loved one is now learning, progressing, and being taught by angels in heavenly universities above. “As seedlings of God, we barely blossom on earth, we fully flower in heaven.” –President Russell M. Nelson

My Right to Love; I have the right to:

• continue loving my loved one. Just because they died, doesn’t mean my love for them died because it didn’t and it won’t.

• cry and even weep in private and in public without apology. Even the Savior wept when Lazarus died, because He loved him.

• continue my relationship with my loved one and to talk to them out loud as often as I need to, knowing they are not far away. “Our loved ones may be just as close as the next room—separated only by the doors of death.” – President Russell M. Nelson

• ask God to send messages to my loved one through prayer, knowing that with God nothing is impossible and that my messages will be delivered.

My Right to Heal; I have the right to:

• give myself time to heal, as much time as I need.

• choose how to respond to this tragedy. While I didn’t choose for this to happen and wish it never did, I can choose to heal.

• free myself of guilt when I have come to terms with what has happened.

• accept that I may never fully understand why this happened in this life.

• practice lots of self care and be kind and patient with myself, knowing I am going to have setbacks, and that healing doesn’t happen in a straight line.

• reach out for help from loving and supporting friends and family, knowing I need help more now than ever in my life, knowing now is not the time to ‘go it alone’ or ‘be strong’.

• seek professional help. “If things continue to be debilitating, seek the advice of reputable people with certified training, professional skills, and good values. Be honest with them about your history and your struggles. Prayerfully and responsibly consider the counsel they give and the solutions they prescribe. If you had appendicitis, God would expect you to seek a priesthood blessing and get the best medical care available. So too with emotional disorders.” –Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

• talk out my questions, my anger, my guilt, or other feelings until I can let them go. Letting go doesn't mean forgetting. 

• embrace my new identity, my new way of thinking, my new way of being, knowing I will never be the same person I once was.

• abandon my old ways and adopt new ways of living that bring meaning and joy. I know my loved one would want this for me.

• notice and experience miracles, big and small.

• laugh again, laugh with others and at myself, this is healing.

• look for and write down how I experience the guiding hand of the Lord in my journal.

• call upon God, even every minute of every day and He will hear me and be with me in my darkest hours.

• allow the atoning power of Christ to flow into my life to heal my broken heart and wounded soul, knowing that my Savior truly knows my pain and will sanctify my deepest distress. “God can make good come … not just from our successes but also from our failures and the failures of others that cause us pain. God is that good and that powerful.” Kevin J Worthen - President BYU

• receive the comfort of the Holy Ghost in my times of sorrow. “If grieving parents and loved ones have faith in the Savior and his plan, death’s sting is softened as Jesus bears the believers’ grief and comforts them through the Holy Spirit. Through Christ, broken hearts are mended and peace replaces anxiety and sorrow.” – Merrill J. Bateman

• ask for and receive help from ministering angels from beyond the veil, believing that my loved one could be among them. “In the course of life all of us spend time in “dark and dreary” places, wildernesses, circumstances of sorrow or fear or discouragement. … But I testify that angels are still sent to help us, even as they were sent to help … the prophets, and indeed to help the Savior of the world Himself.” –Elder Jeffry R. Holland

• create a long list of reasons for living and read that list often. 

• reach out to others who are similarly grieving, some of my greatest healing occurs when I reach out to others in love.

• heal through the Savior Jesus Christ.