Suicide Grief

In our support group, we explore the emotions that accompany suicide grief, recognizing that each person's journey is unique. The intensity and order of these emotions vary, and there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to feel. The effects of this trauma can be overwhelming, but you don't have to carry this burden alone. Seeking support and healing from heaven, trusted friends, family, a support group, and qualified mental health professionals is an act of courage and wisdom. 

Suicide Grief

"Globally, nearly one death by suicide occurs every 40 seconds, and it is the second leading cause of death in the world for people 15–24 years. In a recent study conducted among thousands of teens in Utah, USA, researchers from Brigham Young University discovered that approximately 12 percent of Latter-day Saint youth had seriously considered suicide, and 4 percent had made an attempt. For context, in a group of 25 teens, 3 of those, statistically speaking, have seriously considered suicide, and one has made a suicide attempt."  https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/liahona/2024/07/07-family-conversations-about-suicide 

"When someone chooses to end their pain with suicide, a complicated and uniquely painful grieving process begins for loved ones left behind (typically referred to as survivors). Feelings of confusion, guilt, abandonment, rejection, and anger are intensified....There is a tendency for survivors to withdraw from others in shame because of fears of blame, judgment, and stigma. Survivors might also feel trauma-related reactions, especially for someone who discovers the body. Survivors can even develop suicidal thoughts themselves in their grief." https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/liahona/2017/09/saved-after-my-daughters-suicide/how-survivors-heal 

“The act of taking one’s life is truly a tragedy because this single act leaves so many victims: first the one who dies, then the dozens of others—family and friends—who are left behind, some to face years of deep pain and confusion.” M. Russell Ballard “Suicide: Some Things We Know, and Some We Do Not,” Ensign, Oct. 1987

Common Stages of Grief

From Counseling Resources of the Church: https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/counseling-resources/grief-and-loss 

It can help to be aware of the stages of grief. Most people pass through five emotional stages when they grieve: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and adjustment. These can occur in any order, and some may be skipped or may be repeated more than once....Here is a basic description of each stage:

• Denial: Denial is typically the first stage of grief. Individuals experiencing denial may deny what has happened, go numb, or experience shock. 

• Anger: In this stage, individuals may direct anger at God, themselves, or other people around them. 

• Bargaining: Someone in the bargaining stage may try to bargain with God and ask “what if” questions (such as “What if I promise to treat the person better?” or “What if I go to the temple every week?”). Individuals often feel guilty about their inability to protect the person who has passed away or to prevent the misfortune that occurred. 

• Depression: In this stage, individuals may feel emptiness, helplessness, hopelessness, and possibly a loss of interest in participating in everyday life. They may begin to withdraw from others. 

• Adjustment: In this stage, individuals gradually adjust to their new normal. Their emotions stabilize, and they learn to cope with the grief. 

Intense Emotions

When our loved one took their own life, we were overwhelmed by waves of intense emotions. Over time, their intensity and frequency lessened, but the feelings never truly disappeared. In our support group, we explore the emotions we experience in grief. But does talking about them really help? 

"It's true that...talking about your feelings does not change what you are going through. However, self-expression does have the capacity to change you and the way you see the world around you. Putting your feelings into words gives them meaning and shape. Feelings are not punishment, they are information...Emotions want and try to demand attention. However, if you deny, inhibit, or self-treat your feelings, your pain will last longer...To express means, in part, to press out...Expression allows you...the freedom to recognize and integrate your emotions in their fullest form." -Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph. D. "Understanding Your Suicide Grief", pages 92-93.

"Bottling up our emotions prevents us from discussing our needs and prevents us from truly connecting with others. Over the long term, it eventually backfires, often in unexpected ways, which can seriously damage mental and physical health." https://www.verywellmind.com/the-dangers-of-bottling-up-our-emotions-5207825 

If we shove our emotions down to the basement, they'll go there and lift weights. Instead, let's make space for our emotions and express them. Here are some common emotions we may feel as a result of our grief:

• heartbreak because of our deep love for the one who died, we miss them so much

• rejected by our loved one for abandoning us

• guilty, for missing clues about the seriousness their condition, thinking we didn’t do enough, or we were somehow responsible for our loved one’s death

• unforgiving, struggling to forgive our loved one, others, and even ourselves

• disoriented, losing track of time, having difficulty focusing, forgetting things we used to remember, sometimes we wonder if we are going crazy

• anxiety, especially around significant dates such as anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, and the date of our loved one’s death

• confusion, trying to understand why our loved one died so tragically, asking questions such as: “Why didn’t I see it coming?", "Why didn’t I receive a prompting to prevent it?", or "Why didn’t they reach out to me for help?”

• stuck in a loop, replaying "what if" and "if only" scenarios or the horrible events surrounding their suicide in our minds 

• traumatized, with symptoms such as memory loss, nightmares, flashbacks, aches and pain, blurry vision, loss of appetite, overeating, difficulty concentrating, difficulty sleeping, and loss of interest in activities we used to enjoy

• despair, as secondary losses snowball such as shattered hopes and dreams of a future life together, new financial burdens, loss of mental faculties, and a loss of identity because our roles and relationships have changed or disappeared

• helpless, with strained family relationships as everyone copes in different ways, making it hard to support one another as we struggle with our own grief

• dysfunctional, like a meteor has struck our family, sending everyone in different orbits of grief and pain, with some family members blaming one another whether its vocalized or not

• lonely, even in church surrounded by loving friends who haven't experienced the complexity and magnitude of our pain

• hurt, as people around us, even with the best intentions, say things that are less than helpful or worse

• isolated, avoiding going out in public because of shame, judgment, embarrassment, or fear that we might break down and cry in front of everyone

• heartache, yearning to be with our loved one again, perhaps even looking for the day when it's our turn to pass on so we can be reunited with our loved one, never to be separated again

• fatigue, being exhausted physically, emotionally, mentally, and even spiritually; we pray to have this bitter cup removed

• hopeless, with our faith in God taking a big hit, we may even experience a crisis of faith

Suicide grief is deep and complex, making it impossible to capture all the intense emotions we may experience in its terrible wake. For many of us, even in the midst of devastation, we have witnessed the Lord's hand at work in our lives. In ways beyond our understanding, He can transform even the darkest moments into something beautiful - creating beauty from ashes. 

Discussion

1. What are some emotions you’ve struggled to express about your loss?

2. In what ways have your emotions impacted your daily life or relationships with others? 

3. Have you experienced any tender mercies or "beauty-for-ashes" moments? If so, would you be willing to share?

Self-Care

Self-care is not a luxury, but a necessity for healing. Small daily acts of kindness to yourself can make a difference in moments of deep distress. Be patient and compassionate with yourself as you navigate this difficult journey. 

Explore various ways of expressing your grief. Other than talking, there are multiple ways to acknowledge your grief and express your feelings such as through poetry, painting, drawing, dancing, planting a tree or garden, visiting a place of meaning, collecting keepsakes, writing letters to your loved one, giving service and dedicating the act to your loved one, baking, sculpting, crafting a memory jar, crocheting, making grief beads or bracelets, assembling a model, putting together a puzzle, practicing yoga, taking a class on something that interests you, going on a walk, etc. 

More Self-Care Ideas 

Journal Prompts

• What has grief taught you about yourself?

• How has your relationship with your lost loved one changed since their passing?

• Are there moments when your grief feels lighter? What contributes to that feeling?