Suicide Grief

In our support group, we discuss common emotions we experience in our grief. We understand that everyone's grief is unique and our emotions may occur in different orders or with varying degrees of intensity and there is no "right" or "wrong" way to feel. 

If you are struggling with the profound impact of suicide, please know that you do not have to carry this immense burden alone. The shock, pain, and complex emotions can be incredibly challenging, and it's natural to feel overwhelmed. Reaching out for help is a sign of strength and courage. We encourage you to seek support from trusted friends, family, and a support group where you can connect with others who understand. Consider engaging in therapy with a mental health professional specializing in trauma and grief. They can provide essential tools and a safe space to process your experience and navigate the intense emotions that arise. 

Suicide Grief

"Globally, nearly one death by suicide occurs every 40 seconds, and it is the second leading cause of death in the world for people 15–24 years. In a recent study conducted among thousands of teens in Utah, USA, researchers from Brigham Young University discovered that approximately 12 percent of Latter-day Saint youth had seriously considered suicide, and 4 percent had made an attempt. For context, in a group of 25 teens, 3 of those, statistically speaking, have seriously considered suicide, and one has made a suicide attempt."  https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/liahona/2024/07/07-family-conversations-about-suicide 

"When someone chooses to end their pain with suicide, a complicated and uniquely painful grieving process begins for loved ones left behind (typically referred to as survivors). Feelings of confusion, guilt, abandonment, rejection, and anger are intensified....There is a tendency for survivors to withdraw from others in shame because of fears of blame, judgment, and stigma. Survivors might also feel trauma-related reactions, especially for someone who discovers the body. Survivors can even develop suicidal thoughts themselves in their grief." https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/liahona/2017/09/saved-after-my-daughters-suicide/how-survivors-heal 

“The act of taking one’s life is truly a tragedy because this single act leaves so many victims: first the one who dies, then the dozens of others—family and friends—who are left behind, some to face years of deep pain and confusion.” M. Russell Ballard “Suicide: Some Things We Know, and Some We Do Not,” Ensign, Oct. 1987

Common Stages of Grief

From Counseling Resources of the Church: https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/counseling-resources/grief-and-loss 

It can help to be aware of the stages of grief. Most people pass through five emotional stages when they grieve: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and adjustment. These can occur in any order, and some may be skipped or may be repeated more than once....Here is a basic description of each stage:

• Denial: Denial is typically the first stage of grief. Individuals experiencing denial may deny what has happened, go numb, or experience shock. 

• Anger: In this stage, individuals may direct anger at God, themselves, or other people around them. 

• Bargaining: Someone in the bargaining stage may try to bargain with God and ask “what if” questions (such as “What if I promise to treat the person better?” or “What if I go to the temple every week?”). Individuals often feel guilty about their inability to protect the person who has passed away or to prevent the misfortune that occurred. 

• Depression: In this stage, individuals may feel emptiness, helplessness, hopelessness, and possibly a loss of interest in participating in everyday life. They may begin to withdraw from others. 

• Adjustment: In this stage, individuals gradually adjust to their new normal. Their emotions stabilize, and they learn to cope with the grief. 

Intense Emotions

When our loved one life took their life, wave after wave of intense emotions raged down on us. In time, the size and frequency of the emotional waves diminished, but they didn't cease all together. And even when we are sailing along in calm waters, a wave of grief can arise and come crashing down on us without warning. Here are some ways suicide grief affects us:

• No matter how strong our faith was and is, we still hurt. We feel deep sadness because of our deep love for our loved one. 

• We may cry often and a lot.

• We may feel deep feelings of rejection and wonder why our relationship wasn't enough to keep our loved one from dying.

• We may feel lonely, even in church surrounded by loving friends. We may feel like no one around us can possibly understand what we are going through and they likely don’t. 

• We might be angry with our loved one for abandoning us and leaving us with a legacy of grief — or angry with ourselves or others for missing clues about the seriousness of our loved one's condition.

• At times, we may feel lost, like we are wandering through a dense wilderness without a map, without a guide, and with little idea of when we’ll emerge from the trees. 

• Significant dates such as anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, and the date of our loved one’s death can be very difficult and can trigger strong emotional reactions in us.

• Thinking about the person who has died may preoccupy our thoughts for long periods of time. 

• We may lose track of time, be more forgetful, or have difficulty focusing and reading. Sometimes we may think we are going crazy.

• As if losing our loved one wasn’t excruciating enough, we also experience secondary losses such as: shattered hopes and dreams of a future life together, new financial burdens, loss of mental faculties including memory loss, and a loss of identity because our roles and relationships have changed or disappeared. 

• We may try to understand why our loved one died so tragically. We may ask questions such as: “Why didn’t I see it coming? Why didn’t I receive a prompting to stop it? Why didn’t they reach out to me for help?” We may struggle for a long time with unanswered questions. 

• We might replay "what if" and "if only" scenarios in our mind over and over, hoping to make sense of it all and to rewind the past somehow to change what happened. 

• We may feel guilty and have thoughts that we didn’t do enough and that perhaps we were somehow responsible for our loved one’s death.

• Many of us struggle with forgiving: our loved one, others, and even ourselves.

• We may feel trauma-related symptoms such as memory loss, nightmares, flashbacks, aches and pain, blurry vision, loss of appetite, overeating, difficulty concentrating, difficulty sleeping, over sleeping, social withdrawal, and loss of interest in usual activities. 

• We sense that friends and family don’t know what to say to us. Some people, with the best intentions, say things that are less than helpful and even hurtful. 

• Some of us experience a faith crisis or a shifted perspective of the gospel. Some of us experience a surge in faith, like nothing we've experienced before.

• Our family relationships may be strained as everyone copes in different ways. Some of us may even blame one another whether we vocalize it or not. For many of us, it feels like a meteor has struck our family, sending everyone in different orbits of grief and pain. Sometimes it’s hard for us to help one another as we struggle with our own grief.

• We might want to withdraw from others or not want to go out in public because of shame, judgment, embarrassment, or fear that we might break down and cry in front of everyone.

• We yearn to be united with our loved one again. We may have a very different perspective of death now, particularly of our own. We may look forward to the day when it's our turn to pass on and be reunited with our loved one.

• We long for people to appreciate the complexity of our grief and not rush us through it.

• We yearn for genuine connections with others who have had similar experiences or are capable of sincere empathy.

• We pray to have this bitter cup removed from our lives.

• We yearn for the power of the atonement of Jesus Christ to heal our broken hearts and make us whole again.

Discussion

1. How has losing someone to suicide shaped your experience of grief compared to other losses?

2. What are some feelings or thoughts you’ve struggled to express about your loss?

3. What are ways you keep your loved one’s memory alive while also allowing space to heal?

4. Have you found meaning or purpose through your grief? If so, how?

Self-Care

Self-care is not a luxury, but a necessity for healing. Small daily acts of kindness to yourself can make a difference in moments of deep distress. Be patient and compassionate with yourself as you navigate this difficult journey. 

Explore various ways of expressing your grief. Other than talking, there are multiple ways to acknowledge your grief and express your feelings such as through poetry, painting, drawing, dancing, planting a tree or garden, visiting a place of meaning, collecting keepsakes, writing letters to your loved one, giving service and dedicating the act to your loved one, baking, sculpting, crafting a memory jar, crocheting, making grief beads or bracelets, assembling a model, putting together a puzzle, practicing yoga, taking a class on something that interests you, going on a walk, etc. 

More Self-Care Ideas 

Journal Prompts

• What has grief taught you about yourself?

• How has your relationship with your lost loved one changed since their passing?

• Are there moments when your grief feels lighter? What contributes to that feeling?