Loneliness

In our support group, we explore the emotions that accompany suicide grief, recognizing that each person's journey is unique. The intensity and order of these emotions vary, and there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to feel. The effects of this trauma can be overwhelming, but you don't have to carry this burden alone. Seeking support and healing from heaven, trusted friends, family, a support group, and qualified mental health professionals is an act of courage and wisdom. 

Loneliness

After losing a loved one to suicide, many of us feel an acute and isolating form of loneliness, something we haven't felt before. It can be a deep, chilling void that permeates every aspect of our lives. At church, we may feel out of place and different than our friends who are singing about sunshine in their souls today. Here's how loneliness can feel for us:

1. A profound absence: It's not just missing our love one; it's an overwhelming awareness of their absence in every space, every routine, every future plan. The world feels emptier, quieter, and fundamentally changed by their non-existence in it. It's a physical ache, a palpable void where their presence used to be.

2. Disconnection from the "before": The traumatic nature of the suicide created a stark "before and after" phenomenon for us. We may now feel isolation from our own past, from the life we shared with our loved one. The person who knew us in that "before" state is now gone, leaving us with a feeling of disconnection from our own past and identity.

3. No one understands: Because suicide grief is so intense and often involves graphic details or complex emotions (like anger, guilt, or anxiety alongside profound sorrow), we often feel that no one else can truly grasp the depth of our pain. This leads to a deep sense of isolation, even from well-meaning friends and family.

4. The "unspeakable": The circumstances of a suicide death can be difficult to talk about, creating a barrier. People may shy away from us, or we may feel compelled to protect others from the unspeakable details, leading to further feelings of isolation. 

5. Difference in grief: Others may share in grieving our loss with us, but they didn't experience the trauma of the death in the same way we did. This can create a chasm of understanding, where even shared sadness feels lonely.

6. Invisible wall: It's as if an invisible wall has been erected between us and the rest of the world. Life around us continues – people laugh, go to work, make plans – and this normalcy can feel jarring and isolating. We often feel like we are watching life happen from behind thick glass, unable to fully participate or connect.

7. Exhausting to connect: The emotional and physical toll of suicide grief can make the effort to connect with others feel monumental. Explaining our pain, navigating others' discomfort, or trying to pretend to be "okay" can be exhausting, leading to withdrawal and compounding the loneliness.

8. Lingering presence and dreams: In some ways, the loneliness is intertwined with a strange, phantom presence. We might "see" or "hear" our loved one, or feel their presence in certain places, or have dreams in which they appear to us. While sometimes this is comforting, it can also be upsetting, intensifying the loneliness when the moment or dream ends.

9. Loss of Future Connections: It's not just the present absence, but the acute loneliness for all the future moments that will now never be shared – milestones, inside jokes, everyday companionship, dreams, and plans. The future feels emptier and less bright, defined by the absence of that unique connection.

Discussion Questions

1. What does loneliness feel like for you in the context of grief? How has it changed over time? 

2. In what ways has grief made you feel disconnected from others, even when you’re surrounded by people?

3. What are some things you wish others understood about the loneliness that comes with loss?

Coping with Loneliness

According to Julianne Holt-Lunstad, a Brigham Young University professor of psychology and neuroscience, research has shown that loneliness is dangerous. It carries a risk similar to smoking up to 15 cigarettes per day. It is comparable or exceeds the risk associated with excessive alcohol consumption, physical inactivity, obesity and air pollution.

“Providing support to others, in some cases, can have an even bigger benefit (than receiving support), which I think might be surprising to some people,” Holt-Lunstad said. “But what it suggests is that one of the best ways to help ourselves is by helping others.” https://newsroom.churchofjesuschrist.org/article/6-proven-ways-to-fight-loneliness-increase-social-connection 

"She (Julianne Holt-Lunstad) and her colleagues ran a study during the pandemic in which nearly 4,500 participants were randomly assigned challenges to connect socially. Participants were told to perform one act of kindness for a neighbor once a week for four weeks. The study found that when individuals actively chose to reach out to neighbors in a positive way, they became significantly less lonely, social anxiety was reduced, neighborhood quality improved, and conflict reduced." https://socialsciences.byu.edu/loneliness-and-isolation-present-serious-mortality-risks-antidote-found-in-acts-of-kindness 

"To combat loneliness, we must first learn how to identify it and to have the courage to see that experience as a warning sign. Our response to that warning sign should be to find connection. That doesn't necessarily mean joining a bunch of groups or checking in with dozens of friends. Numerous studies confirm that it's not the quantity of friends but the quality of a few relationships that actually matters."  -Brené Brown, Atlas of the Heart, page 180.

"Find something to create, whether that’s a smile, artwork, a piece of furniture, or a clean space. Consider these words from Elder Uchtdorf: 'What do you suppose is the greatest kind of happiness possible? For me, the answer to this question is, God’s happiness. This leads to another question: What is our Heavenly Father’s happiness? … Creating and being compassionate are two objectives that contribute to our Heavenly Father’s perfect happiness. … Creation brings deep satisfaction and fulfillment.'” https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/liahona/2023/09/digital-only/15-ways-to-create-joy-when-you-feel-lonely

"Ministering added to my peace. Building new relationships fills the giver and the receiver with love. Both become givers and receivers. A neighbor and a dear friend had just lost her husband in a plane accident several months before my husband’s death. We had long talks about the process we were experiencing. We went to church together each week, and she came every Sunday for lunch.

Loneliness just before bed was very unsettling for me. I began to picture my husband with me especially as I knelt to pray. I felt him close—as an angel near my side—and I was comforted." https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/2019/03/redesigning-my-life-after-loss 

"We were not placed on this earth to walk alone. What an amazing source of power, of strength, and of comfort is available to each of us. He who knows us better than we know ourselves, He who sees the larger picture and who knows the end from the beginning, has assured us that He will be there for us to provide help if we but ask." -Thomas S. Monson "We Never Walk Alone" October 2013.

Discussion Questions

1. Have you found any specific practices or activities that help ease the loneliness of grief? What has worked, and what hasn’t?

2. How do you balance honoring your loss while also seeking connection and companionship?

Self-Care

Self-care is not a luxury, but a necessity for healing. Small daily acts of kindness to yourself can make a difference in moments of deep distress. Be patient and compassionate with yourself as you navigate this difficult journey. 

No Longer Lonely: 7 Ways to Connect by Julianne Holt-Lunstad https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/liahona/2024/09/18-no-longer-lonely-7-ways-to-connect 

1. Rely on the Savior: Drawing closer to Heavenly Father and the Savior through prayer, studying the scriptures, and worship on the Sabbath and in the temple will help you know you are never alone. 

2. Be friendly: Seeking opportunities to bless the lives of others who are also struggling with loneliness may be the most powerful interventions of all. 

3. Build on common interests: Seek out people and groups whose interests, perspectives, and standards are similar to yours.

4. Strengthen existing relationships: Remember that the quality of your relationships is more important than the number of relationships you have. 

5. Seek opportunities to serve and share your talents and spiritual gifts: When we feel our efforts are having a positive effect on others, it can bring a sense of meaning and purpose to our lives. 

6. Plan for challenging times: Holidays and significant dates, such as the anniversary of a loved one’s death, can be difficult. Try to plan activities with friends or family on such days to keep from dwelling on the connections you wish you had. 

7. Participate in temple and family history work. This is a powerful way to feel comfort and belonging. Elder Dale G. Renlund of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles promised numerous blessings we can receive, including “increased love and appreciation for ancestors and living relatives, so we no longer feel alone.” 

Tips for Overcoming Loneliness https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/2003/02/questions-and-answers 

• Cultivate gratitude for the Atonement of Jesus Christ and the knowledge that you can be together again.

• Read, think, meditate, ponder, and pray often.

• Prayerfully study and ponder your patriarchal blessing.

• Request and receive priesthood blessings when needed.

• Listen to and ponder the words of a hymn every day.

• Work on your family history.

• Attend or volunteer to serve at the temple.

• Consider serving a full- or part-time Church mission.

• Get involved in your ward or stake single adult group activities.

• Write a history of your life or of your spouse and family.

• Get a pet for company and security.

• Go for walks. Exercise.

More Self-Care Ideas 

Journal Prompts

• Describe a moment when loneliness felt overwhelming. What thoughts and feelings came up?

• How has your grief changed the way you experience solitude? Does it feel different from before?

• Write about a future version of yourself who has found meaningful ways to carry grief and loneliness. What does their life look like?