Stigma and Shame

In our support group, we explore the emotions that accompany suicide grief, recognizing that each person's journey is unique. The intensity and order of these emotions vary, and there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to feel. The effects of this trauma can be overwhelming, but you don't have to carry this burden alone. Seeking support and healing from heaven, trusted friends, family, a support group, and qualified mental health professionals is an act of courage and wisdom. 

Stigma and Shame

While stigma and shame are closely related concepts, they have distinct differences:

• Stigma is an external societal judgment—when a person or group is seen negatively due to a characteristic, condition, or identity. It’s imposed by others and can lead to discrimination or exclusion. For example, mental health issues often carry stigma, making it harder for individuals to seek help openly.

• Shame is internal—it’s a painful emotion when we feel inadequate, embarrassed, or unworthy, usually due to perceived personal failure or societal rejection. Stigma can contribute to feelings of shame. 

In the social sciences, “shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging.” Guilt is “a sense of remorse and the desire to make amends.” Shame is character-based (“I am a bad person”), whereas guilt is action-based (“I did a bad thing”). Shame leads you to want to shrink, hide, and disappear. Guilt identifies an action that you regret, prompting you to change for the future. https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ya-weekly/2020/01/shame-versus-guilt-help-for-discerning-gods-voice-from-satans-lies 

Here are some reasons why suicide is often stigmatized:

1. Historically, some religious leaders referred to suicide as a sin and as self-murder. Many people still believe this. Modern prophets contradict this misconception: 

"We do not know the full circumstances surrounding every suicide. Only the Lord knows all the details, and He will judge our actions here on earth. When He does judge us, I feel He will take all things into consideration: our genetic and chemical makeup, our mental state, our intellectual capacity, the teachings we have received, the traditions of our fathers, our health, and so forth." -M. Russell Ballard https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/1987/10/suicide-some-things-we-know-and-some-we-do-not 

"There's an old sectarian notion that suicide is a sin and that someone who commits suicide is banished to hell forever. That is totally false. I believe the vast majority of cases will find that these individuals have lived heroic lives and that suicide will not be a defining characteristic of their eternities.” –Dale G. Renlund https://newsroom.churchofjesuschrist.org/article/reach-out-in-love-to-those-considering-suicide-elder-renlund 

"In most cases, we should not worry about the victim's eternal salvation. God is infinitely more understanding than we are, and God's hands are infinitely more gentle than ours. Imagine a loving mother, having just given birth, welcoming her child onto her breast for the first time, and then you will have some image of how the suicide victim is received into the next life." -Ronald Rolheiser (a catholic priest) "Bruised & Wounded: Struggling to Understand Suicide" page 24.

2. The misconception that suicide is a selfish act, or sign of weakness, or caused by demonic influence rather than caused by severe distress or illness.

“ …Medical research is also demonstrating that major psychiatric disorders involve changes in the functioning of the brain that can severely alter the thinking, mood, and behavior of someone suffering from the disorder. …The illness produces biological changes in the individual that create the emotional and physical pain (depression, inability to take pleasure in things, hopelessness, etc.) which contribute to almost all suicides.” –Bob Baugher and Jack Jordan, After Suicide Loss: Coping with Your Grief

3. Because suicide is often linked to mental illness, the widespread stigma against mental illness extends to suicide.

4. Suicide remains largely a taboo subject; many people are uncomfortable discussing it. As a result, some people may avoid connecting with us.

Given stigma and the circumstances of our loved one's suicide, here are some thoughts and beliefs we may harbor that can contribute to our shame.

1. We may believe we are part of the reason why our loved one took their life, that something we did or did not do contributed to their death. 

2. We may think we should have done more to improve our relationship before they died, but we didn't, we were neglectful.

3. We may think we should have been able to recognize the warning signs, we should have been able to prevent the suicide, but we didn't.

4. We may feel that over the years we weren't a good enough (parent, spouse, sibling, child, friend) to our loved one.

5. We may feel others are judging us, thinking we are a horrible (parent, spouse, sibling, child, friend). 

Discussion

1. How has stigma and shame impacted you or your ability to talk about your loved one’s death?

2. What are some misconceptions about suicide that you’ve encountered, and how have they affected you?

Coping with Shame

Four Elements of Shame Resilience by Brené Brown, Atlas of the Heart, pg 139.

1. Recognizing Shame and Understanding Its Triggers: Can you physically recognize when you're in the grip of shame, name it, feel your way through it, and figure out what messages and expectations triggered it? This is why Dr. Kristen Neff's concept of mindfulness is so important. We can't pretend it's not happening or get swept away (which is easy with shame).

2. Practicing Critical Awareness: Can you reality-check the messages and expectations that are driving your shame? Are they realistic? Attainable? Are they what you want to be or what you think others need or want from you?

3. Reaching Out: Are you owning and sharing your story? We can't experience empathy if we're not connecting.

4. Speaking Shame: Are you talking about how you feel and asking for what you need when you feel shame? Silence, secrecy, and judgment fuel shame.

"Each of the elements in this formula is best achieved when the individual partners with Christ: open your heart and allow yourself to be honest and sincere with your Savior; increase personal awareness of shame through study and by faith; reach out to Christ and through Christ to others; and speak openly concerning your experiences with shame and about the transformative power of the Redeemer in your life. This can be done through fervent prayer, fully opening your broken or hurting heart to God; searching for and pondering instances where Satan has fought prophets and apostles with shame (and failed); asking for Christ’s healing power to be present in your life and for guidance in testifying of that power to others; and sharing both your failures and triumphs with loved ones and with your Heavenly Father. Always remember that God loves you and that you belong. He will never tell you otherwise. Satan will try to deceive you, but you can discern and reject his lies." https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ya-weekly/2020/01/shame-versus-guilt-help-for-discerning-gods-voice-from-satans-lies 

"Shame attacks your character, asserting that at your core you are worthless. Such lies often lead to self-loathing and condemn you to a lifetime of misery, forever believing you are unlovable and don’t belong anywhere...Church doctrine is clear on how God wants us to feel. Our inherent worth as children of God means that we are never worthless, even when we have sinned. The Spirit’s voice will never encourage you to hate yourself, rather reminding you of your eternal worth as a child of God (see Moses 1:4). The voice that says you are worthless and unlovable will always be Satan’s" (see Moses 1:12). https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ya-weekly/2020/01/shame-versus-guilt-help-for-discerning-gods-voice-from-satans-lies 

"Shame is the voice that beats you up, saying, “What were you thinking?” “Do you ever get anything right?”...Shame doesn’t tell us we made a mistake; it tells us we are our mistakes. You may even hear, “Hide.” The adversary does everything in his power to keep the heaviness inside, telling us the cost is too high, that it will be easier if this stays in darkness, removing all hope. You are not the voice in your head or the mistakes you have made. You may need to say that out loud too. Tell Satan, “Not today.” Put him behind you...Your worth is constant; it never changes. It was given to you by God, and there’s nothing you or anyone else can do to change it....Listen for that voice that says good things about you—the voice of the Savior, your finest friend, and your Father in Heaven, who is really there. Remember, Their love and your worth are always great, no matter what!" -Tamara W. Runia "Your Repentance Doesn't Burden Jesus Christ; It Brightens His Joy" April 2025 General Conference https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2025/04/43runia 

Discussion

1. Can you recall a time when someone’s empathy helped ease your shame? What made their response meaningful?

2. In what ways can we show empathy and self-compassion to ourselves and others when we’re struggling?

Self-Care

Self-care is not a luxury, but a necessity for healing. Small daily acts of kindness to yourself can make a difference in moments of deep distress. Be patient and compassionate with yourself as you navigate this difficult journey. 

Practice self-compassion, which is extending the same compassion you would graciously extend to others to oneself in instances of perceived inadequacy, failure, or general suffering. According to Dr. Kristen Neff, there are three components of self-compassion: self kindness instead of self-judgment, identifying with humanity instead of seeking isolation, and mindfulness. Go to https://self-compassion.org/self-compassion-practices/ and try the self-compassion exercises. 

More Self-Care Ideas 

Journal Prompts

• What is a moment in your life when you felt shame? What contributed to it?

• How does shame affect the way you see yourself and interact with others?

• What would you say to a close friend who was struggling with shame? How can you apply that same kindness to yourself? 

• How can you cultivate more empathy—toward yourself and others—when dealing with feelings of shame? 

• How can you use what you've learned about shame and empathy to support others?