Guilt

In our support group, we explore the emotions that accompany suicide grief, recognizing that each person's journey is unique. The intensity and order of these emotions vary, and there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to feel. The effects of this trauma can be overwhelming, but you don't have to carry this burden alone. Seeking support and healing from heaven, trusted friends, family, a support group, and qualified mental health professionals is an act of courage and wisdom. 

Guilt

“Guilt seems to be an emotion universal to all who are left behind after a loved one’s suicide, and overcoming it might be your greatest obstacle on the path to healing. You are not responsible for your loved one’s choice to end their life. Parents need to remind themselves that, while they have great influence over their children’s lives, they do not personally create every aspect of their children’s being. . . . From their earliest years, children are shaped by an assortment of outside influences [and internal conditions] beyond the control of parents.”

“Spouses also tend to feel acutely guilty for a suicide. The natural partnership that comprises marriage implies a mutual responsibility to look after each other. But spouses need to realize that the root causes of suicide—notably clinical depression—are beyond the control of even the most devoted husband or wife” (Jeffrey Jackson, “SOS: A Handbook for Survivors of Suicide” [American Association of Suicidology], yourlifecounts.org). https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/get-help/suicide/did-i-do-something-wrong?

"[O]nce a person has decided to end his or her life, there are limits to how much anyone can do to stop the act.…In fact, people sometimes find a way to kill themselves even when hospitalized in locked psychiatric units under careful supervision. In light of this fact, try to be realistic about how preventable the suicide was and how much you could have done to intervene.” –Bob Baugher and Jack Jordan, After Suicide Loss: Coping with Your Grief 

"As a parent, you may feel guilty for not recognizing the warning signs of suicide. Or you might think that you could have been more understanding or patient. But from the day your child was born, they were influenced by other people, by their environment, and by their own thoughts and feelings—beyond the control of a loving parent. And just as you have agency to choose one thing from another, your child was blessed with their own agency. You are not responsible for your child’s choice to end their life. Despite your best efforts, not all suicides can be prevented. These principles also apply to a spouse, child, or friend who has lost a loved one by suicide. You are not to blame for your loved one’s suicide." https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/suicide-loss-survivors/could-i-have-done-more 

"...suicide is a disease and generally the most misunderstood of all sicknesses. It takes a person out of this life against his or her will, the emotional equivalent of cancer, a stroke, or a heart attack...Those left behind need not spend undue energy second-guessing as to how we might have failed that person, what we should have noticed, and what we might have done to prevent the suicide. Suicide is an illness and, as with any sickness, we can love someone and still not be able to save that person from death." -Ronald Rolheiser (a catholic priest) "Bruised & Wounded: Struggling to Understand Suicide" page 18.

"I have the responsibility to those I love to be loving, patient, considerate, and kind...But I am not responsible for them, not for their achievements, failures, joy, thoughts, and choices...And most of all, not for their suicide. For had I been responsible, this death would NOT have occurred. To assume responsibility for this death, or to place responsibility upon another, robs the one who died of their personhood and invalidates the enormity of their pain and their desperate need for relief." -LaRita Archibald. https://losingachildtosuicide.org.uk/2012/09/21/reinforcement-in-the-aftermath-of-suicide/ 

“We cannot control and we are not responsible for the choices of others, even when they impact us so painfully. Whatever the outcome and no matter how difficult your experiences, you have the promise that you will not be denied the blessings of eternal family relationships if you love the Lord, keep His commandments, and just do the best you can.” -Dallin H. Oaks "Divorce," May 2007

Discussion

1. In what ways has guilt manifested for you since your loved one's death? 

2. How does this guilt make you feel, and what is its heaviest burden? 

3. How has guilt impacted your relationship with others, or your connection to the memory of your loved one? Do you find it harder to talk about your grief, or to remember happy moments, because of lingering guilt? 

Forgiveness

"The first step step in forgiveness is the willingness to forgive...There is no peace without forgiveness." -Marianne Williamson

“Forgiveness is a very difficult concept for many suicide loss survivors. Some may feel they cannot forgive themselves for the things they feel guilty about. Forgiveness does not mean you have to let go of guilt you may feel, or emotions you hold toward the person you’ve lost. Forgiveness and guilt are not opposites: they go hand in hand. You can feel guilty, and also forgive yourself, at the same time.” –Noam Schneck, Ph.D. https://afsp.org/story/suicide-loss-and-the-holidays 

"If you have found yourself holding on to the shame and guilt after the suicide, I encourage you to ask yourself what you gain by continually blaming or hating yourself. We cannot change what took place, and by releasing the guilt and shame, we are allowing life to enter into our bodies again. No longer in bondage to the self-blame, we are able to see fully the suicide for what it was: their attempt to end their pain. Unfortunately, accepting responsibility does not alter the outcome of their life; it only destroys ours." -Brandy Lidbeck "The Gift of Second: Healing from the impact of suicide" page 13.

"No benefit or good can come from keeping yourself stuck in the disempowering pattern of self-punishment. Punishing yourself doesn’t serve anyone. To serve others and make your own life better, you must forgive yourself."  https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/comeuntochrist/believe/becoming-like-jesus/how-can-i-forgive-myself 

"Forgiveness often requires us to forgive repeatedly. Sometimes we even need to forgive daily. I liken this to peeling an onion. Each layer peeled brings about different and, sometimes, new reasons to forgive. New layers can still bring tears and new emotions, but that in no way negates the prior act of forgiveness. Sometimes people feel they are not truly forgiving if they need to repeatedly forgive. This is simply not true...Whenever we feel hurt, sad, angry, abandoned, rejected, or any other emotion linked to the suicide of our loved one, we may need to forgive again. And again. And again. It is an ongoing process as we navigate life."  -Brandy Lidbeck "The Gift of Second: Healing from the impact of suicide" page 51.

"Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven." Matthew 18:21-22

“When the Lord requires that we forgive all men (D&C 64:10), that includes forgiving ourselves. Sometimes, of all the people in the world, the one who is the hardest to forgive—as well as perhaps the one who is most in need of our forgiveness—is the person looking back at us in the mirror. Heaven is filled with those who have this in common: They are forgiven. And they forgive.” -Dieter F. Uchdorf "The Merciful Obtain Mercy" April 2012

Discussion

1. What messages do you tell yourself when you feel guilty? Are these messages helpful or unhelpful?

2. What does self-forgiveness mean to you in the context of your grief?

3. What are some small steps you might be able to take towards self-forgiveness?

Self-Care

Self-care is not a luxury, but a necessity for healing. Small daily acts of kindness to yourself can make a difference in moments of deep distress. Be patient and compassionate with yourself as you navigate this difficult journey. 

Connect with supportive people. It's important to spend time on a regular basis with people who can listen, offer empathy, and understanding. Identify your informal supports: family, friends, work friends, church members, and neighbors. Keep them informed and use them; most people who offer help actually want to help if they are given clear direction and a time-limited role. Consider sending texts and emails outlining how they can best help you.

More Self-Care Ideas 

Journal Prompts

• Describe a specific instance where you felt guilt since your loss. What were the circumstances, and what thoughts or feelings arose?

• If you could say anything to the person you lost regarding your guilt, what would it be? Write it out as a letter or a conversation.

• What is one thing you would like to forgive yourself for? Why is this particularly difficult?