Guilt

In our support group, we discuss common emotions we experience in our grief. We understand that everyone's grief is unique and our emotions may occur in different orders or with varying degrees of intensity and there is no "right" or "wrong" way to feel. 

Guilt

“Sadly, despite your best efforts, suicide is not always preventable. Guilt seems to be an emotion universal to all who are left behind after a loved one’s suicide, and overcoming it might be your greatest obstacle on the path to healing. You are not responsible for your loved one’s choice to end their life.”

“Parents need to remind themselves that, while they have great influence over their children’s lives, they do not personally create every aspect of their children’s being. . . . From their earliest years, children are shaped by an assortment of outside influences [and internal conditions] beyond the control of parents.”.

“Spouses also tend to feel acutely guilty for a suicide. The natural partnership that comprises marriage implies a mutual responsibility to look after each other. But spouses need to realize that the root causes of suicide—notably clinical depression—are beyond the control of even the most devoted husband or wife” (Jeffrey Jackson, “SOS: A Handbook for Survivors of Suicide” [American Association of Suicidology], yourlifecounts.org). https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/get-help/suicide/did-i-do-something-wrong?

Discussion

1. In what ways has guilt manifested for you since your loved one's death? 

2. How does this guilt make you feel, and what is its heaviest burden? 

3. How has guilt impacted your relationship with others, or your connection to the memory of your loved one? Do you find it harder to talk about your grief, or to remember happy moments, because of lingering guilt? 

Forgiveness

“Forgiveness is a very difficult concept for many suicide loss survivors. Some may feel they cannot forgive themselves for the things they feel guilty about. Forgiveness does not mean you have to let go of guilt you may feel, or emotions you hold toward the person you’ve lost. Forgiveness and guilt are not opposites: they go hand in hand. You can feel guilty, and also forgive yourself, at the same time.” –Noam Schneck, Ph.D. https://afsp.org/story/suicide-loss-and-the-holidays 

"No benefit or good can come from keeping yourself stuck in the disempowering pattern of self-punishment. Punishing yourself doesn’t serve anyone. To serve others and make your own life better, you must forgive yourself."  https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/comeuntochrist/believe/becoming-like-jesus/how-can-i-forgive-myself 

“It has always struck me as being sad that those among us who would not think of reprimanding our neighbor, much less a total stranger, for mistakes that have been made or weaknesses that might be evident, will nevertheless be cruel and unforgiving to themselves. When the scriptures say to judge righteously, that means with fairness and compassion and charity. That’s how we must judge ourselves. We need to be patient and forgiving of ourselves, just as we must be patient and forgiving of others.” -Howard W. Hunter 1997

“When the Lord requires that we forgive all men (D&C 64:10, that includes forgiving ourselves. Sometimes, of all the people in the world, the one who is the hardest to forgive—as well as perhaps the one who is most in need of our forgiveness—is the person looking back at us in the mirror. Heaven is filled with those who have this in common: They are forgiven. And they forgive.” -Dieter F. Uchdorf "The Merciful Obtain Mercy" April 2012

Discussion

1. What messages do you tell yourself when you feel guilty? Are these messages helpful or unhelpful?

2. What does self-forgiveness mean to you in the context of your grief?

3. What are some small steps you might be able to take towards self-forgiveness?

Self-Care

Connect with supportive people. It's important to spend time on a regular basis with people who can listen, offer empathy, and understanding. Identify your informal supports: family, friends, work friends, church members, and neighbors. Keep them informed and use them; most people who offer help actually want to help if they are given clear direction and a time-limited role. Consider sending texts and emails outlining how they can best help you.

More Self-Care Ideas 

Journal Prompts

• Describe a specific instance where you felt guilt since your loss. What were the circumstances, and what thoughts or feelings arose?

• If you could say anything to the person you lost regarding your guilt, what would it be? Write it out as a letter or a conversation.

• What is one thing you would like to forgive yourself for? Why is this particularly difficult?