Questions - Why?

In our support group, we explore the emotions that accompany suicide grief, recognizing that each person's journey is unique. The intensity and order of these emotions vary, and there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to feel. The effects of this trauma can be overwhelming, but you don't have to carry this burden alone. Seeking support and healing from heaven, trusted friends, family, a support group, and qualified mental health professionals is an act of courage and wisdom. 

Questions

You might have a lot of questions, many of them starting with "why." Why did my loved one take their life? Why didn't they reach out to me for help first? Why didn't I receive a prompting to intervene? Why didn't I do more to help them? Why did God allow my loved one to suffer with so much pain that they ended their life? 

"You might have your own version of these questions, born out of the most agonizing thing you’ve experienced in your life. Even Jesus Christ, while He suffered on the cross, cried out, “My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?” (Mark 15:34).  https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/comeuntochrist/email/lifes-big-questions/why-does-god-allow-bad-things-to-happen 

"When someone chooses to end their pain with suicide, a complicated and uniquely painful grieving process begins for loved ones left behind. The unanswered questions of Why? What did I miss? Why didn’t I receive a prompting? How will this affect eternal rewards? etc., can cause tremendous turmoil as well as thoughts that perhaps they were somehow responsible for their loved one’s death." https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/liahona/2017/09/saved-after-my-daughters-suicide/how-survivors-heal 

“After my sister’s death, I was frequently asked the question, “What happened?” The danger of this question is that it really can’t be answered. This process can haunt those who are left behind for many years. “What happened?” leads to “Why?” which leads to “What more could I have done to save them?” We don’t ask if we could have stopped a heart attack or healed cancer, but it is easy to play the “what if" game when someone we love deals with mental illness. I went over and over in my mind, what if I could have talked to her that day? What if I had visited her more? What if we had fasted again for her healing or had more faith? Would any of that have saved her? These questions can add intensity and years to the process of grief." -Ganel-Lyn Condie https://www.ldsliving.com/4-lessons-of-hope-i-learned-from-my-sisters-suicide/s/78249

“The overarching question asked by the bereaved and the burdened is simply this: Why? Why did our daughter die, when we prayed so hard that she would live and when she received priesthood blessings? Why are we struggling with this misfortune, when others relate miraculous healing experiences for their loved ones? These are natural questions, understandable questions. But they are also questions that usually go begging in mortality. Still, we mortals quite naturally want to know the why." –Lance B. Wickman "But If Not" October 2002

Discussion

1. What questions about your loved one's death or the circumstances surrounding it still linger for you?

2. How has the presence of unanswered questions impacted your life?

Seeking Answers

"I think the obvious question here for most folks is "If God is so loving, why didn't he heal our loved one?" The truth is: I don't know. The reality is no answer will be sufficient as to why our loved ones chose to die. We cannot receive comfort with logic when our hearts have been shattered. Hearts need mending and healing, not answers and reasons. Perhaps we have been asking the wrong question all along. Perhaps we should have been asking "Who?" as in "Who is going to heal this shattered heart?" Indeed, this is the real question! When we can resist the desire to ask why God allowed or failed to prevent the suicide and focus on who God is instead, we, in essence, discover the 'why' is not so important after all because the heart doesn't respond to logic. Rather, our focus should be on uncovering the character of God, the One who brings comfort. The One who is comfort." -Brandy Lidbeck "The Gift of Second: Healing from the impact of suicide" page 76.

"The truth is that answers only come from God. He knows the hearts of those that suffer, the ones that take their lives, and the ones that try to survive the suffering. Incredible grief leads to never-ending questions that only Father in Heaven, who holds the stars in the heavens in balance, can ultimately answer. Remember that some answers and understanding will not come until the next life.” -Ganel-Lyn Condie https://www.ldsliving.com/4-lessons-of-hope-i-learned-from-my-sisters-suicide/s/78249

"...in pressing too earnestly for the answer, we may forget that mortality was designed, in a manner of speaking, as the season of unanswered questions. Mortality has a different, more narrowly defined purpose: It is a proving ground, a probationary state, a time to walk by faith, a time to prepare to meet God (Abr. 3:24–25; 2 Ne. 31:15–16, 20; Alma 12:24; Alma 42:4–13). It is in nurturing humility ( Alma 32:6–21) and submissiveness (Mosiah 3:19) that we may comprehend a fullness of the intended mortal experience and put ourselves in a frame of mind and heart to receive the promptings of the Spirit. Reduced to their essence, humility and submissiveness are an expression of complete willingness to let the “why” questions go unanswered for now. I believe that mortality’s supreme test is to face the “why” and then let it go, trusting humbly in the Lord’s promise that all things must come to pass in their time (D&C 64:32).” –Lance B. Wickman "But If Not" October 2002

"...the vast majority of suicides, the cause of death can pretty accurately be termed as cancer, emotional cancer. Just as with physical cancer, the person dying of suicide is taken out of this life against his or her will. Death by suicide is the emotional equivalent of cancer, a stroke, or a heart attack. Death can happen suddenly, or it can be the end product of a long struggle that slowly wears a person down. Either way, it's involuntary." -Ronald Rolheiser (a catholic priest) "Bruised & Wounded: Struggling to Understand Suicide" page 10.

"The 'why' will never make sense to someone who is free of mental illness. Even if our loved ones could come back and explain precisely why they took their own life, their reasoning would be insufficient to us. You see, there is absolutely no reason they could give us that would justify their death because, if we do not struggle with mental illness we can, quite possibly, never understand. We are not tormented by what they were tormented...We cannot ever understand the depth of pain and emotional turmoil they were experiencing and, thus, can likely never comprehend why they felt death was their only option...Suicide is not meant to be comprehended. Suicide does not make sense to those unaffected by mental illness." -Brandy Lidbeck "The Gift of Second: Healing from the impact of suicide" page 42.

"Moments of difficulty offer us opportunities to grow and learn. In the book of Isaiah, we read, “Behold, I have refined thee … ; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction” (Isaiah 48:10). Like the heat of a refiner’s fire purifies metal ore and forges stronger steel, your difficulties purify and strengthen you." https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/comeuntochrist/email/lifes-big-questions/why-does-god-allow-bad-things-to-happen 

Discussion

1. What do you do with your unanswered questions?

2. Over time, have you found any answers to your questions?

3. Have you experienced moments where you felt a sense of peace or acceptance despite not having all the answers, and what, if anything, helped bring about that feeling? 

Self-Care

Self-care is not a luxury, but a necessity for healing. Small daily acts of kindness to yourself can make a difference in moments of deep distress. Be patient and compassionate with yourself as you navigate this difficult journey. 

Get plenty of rest. If you are having trouble sleeping, try these suggestions:

• Establish a Routine: Go to bed and wake up at the same time every day to regulate your body's internal clock.

• Create a Sleep-Friendly Environment: Keep your bedroom cool, dark, and quiet. Remove distractions like electronic devices.

• Avoid Stimulants: Limit caffeine and sugar intake, especially in the evening.

• Exercise Regularly: Engage in physical activity during the day to promote better sleep at night.

• Relax Before Bed: Practice calming activities like reading scriptures, praying, or meditating to ease your mind.

• Stay Hydrated: Drink enough water during the day but avoid excessive fluids close to bedtime.

• Eat Wisely: Avoid heavy meals late at night and opt for light, nutritious snacks if needed.

• Seek Spiritual Strength: Pray for peace and guidance to overcome stress or worries that may disrupt sleep.

More Self-Care Ideas 

Journal Prompts

• Reflect on the "why" questions that surface most frequently for you regarding your loss. Write down each question, and then explore how the absence of an answer makes you feel. Do you experience frustration, confusion, anger, or a different emotion? How do these feelings impact your daily life or your sleep? 

• Describe a time when you’ve found a small measure of peace or acceptance, even without having all the answers. What was happening in that moment? What thoughts or actions, if any, contributed to that feeling? Consider what lessons you might draw from that experience about finding comfort amidst uncertainty. 

• Imagine speaking to a the Lord in person about your unanswered questions. What advice or perspective do you think He might offer? How might His words help you to reframe or cope with the aspects of your grief that remain unresolved?