Abandonment, Betrayal, Rejection

In our support group, we discuss common emotions we experience in our grief. We understand that everyone's grief is unique and our emotions may occur in different orders or with varying degrees of intensity and there is no "right" or "wrong" way to feel. 

If you are struggling with the profound impact of suicide, please know that you do not have to carry this immense burden alone. The shock, pain, and complex emotions can be incredibly challenging, and it's natural to feel overwhelmed. Reaching out for help is a sign of strength and courage. We encourage you to seek support from trusted friends, family, and a support group where you can connect with others who understand. Consider engaging in therapy with a mental health professional specializing in trauma and grief. They can provide essential tools and a safe space to process your experience and navigate the intense emotions that arise. 

Abandonment, Betrayal, & Rejection

When our loved one left this life, they also left us behind. When this happened, we may have felt abandoned by them. We may have felt rejected by them. We may have even felt betrayed, wondering why they didn't trust us enough to seek our help, to tell us about the severity of their suffering, and about the depth of their despair. 

"Betrayal is so painful because, at its core, it is a violation of trust. It happens in relationships in which trust is expected and assumed, so when it's violated, we're often shocked, and we can struggle to believe what's happening. It can feel as if the ground beneath us has given way. When we're injured by betrayal, we can suffer high levels of anxiety, depression, anger, sadness, decreased self worth, embarrassment, humiliation, shame, and even trauma symptoms." -Brené Brown, Atlas of the Heart, page 194.

Questions of "Why wasn't I enough?" or "Why didn't they want to stay with me?" or "What was so bad that they preferred leaving me/us?" invaded our thoughts. One of the most agonizing part is our loved one is no longer here to explain their pain and their reasons for leaving. This lack of explanation can feel like a deliberate withholding, leaving us feeling abandoned in our confusion and grief.

For many of us, there was no opportunity to say goodbye, no chance to make amends for past hurts, no final conversation, no farewell, no last expression of love. This abrupt departure left us with a stark emptiness and a sense of having been cut off. 

"...the act may seem like an assault on or rejection of those left behind. So the feelings of anger, rejection, and abandonment that occur...are especially intense and difficult to sort out after a suicide." https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/left-behind-after-suicide 

"Many survivors of suicide loss feel immense anger toward their loved one—for abandoning them, for causing them such awful pain, or for not trusting them enough to share their despair. It’s even normal to feel like the death is a personal rejection; someone may secretly suspect that if they were different or somehow more “special,” their loved one would not have chosen to take their own life. While this feeling isn’t based in reality, feeling rejected is agonizing..." https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/suicide/coping-after-suicide-loss   

Discussion

1. Have you experienced feelings of betrayal related to your loved one’s passing? If so, how have you processed them? 

2. Have you ever struggled with feeling rejected due to your loved one’s death? How has that shaped your healing process? 

3. Have you experienced feelings of abandonment related to your loved one’s passing? If so, how has your sense of abandonment evolved over time since your loss? 

Receiving Healing and Comfort

"God hears every prayer we offer and responds to each of them according to the path He has outlined for our perfection. It is for reasons known only to God why prayers are answered differently than we hope—but I promise you they are heard and they are answered according to His unfailing love and cosmic timetable. If we “ask not amiss,” there are no limits to when, where, or about what we should pray.  Our prayers ought to be vocal when we have the privacy to so offer them. If that is not practical, they should be carried as silent utterances in our heart." -Jeffrey R. Holland "Motions of a Hidden Fire" April 2024

"Our prayers can be and should be living discussions with our Heavenly Father." -Russell M. Nelson "Think Celestial" October 2023

"Our Heavenly Father is aware of our needs and will help us as we call upon Him for assistance. I believe that no concern of ours is too small or insignificant. The Lord is in the details of our lives.” -Thomas S. Monson "Consider the Blessings" October 2012

"And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you for ever; Even the Spirit of truth; whom the world cannot receive, because it seeth him not, neither knoweth him: but ye know him; for he dwelleth with you, and shall be in you." John 14:16-17

"And inasmuch as you desire a companion, I will give unto you my Spirit to be with you, and he shall comfort your heart." Doctrine and Covenants 31:11

"The Holy Ghost is a Comforter. It is a Spirit of peace and rest; it is like the dew from heaven to our souls." -Parley P. Pratt, "The Holy Spirit," Millennial Star, Vol. 12, No. 10 (August 15, 1850)

"In all of mortality, surely there is no voice we need to hear more, no gift more precious we should seek, no influence more deeply to be desired than the voice of the Holy Ghost and that gift. I testify of its reality and of its power to comfort, to guide, and to bless."  -Jeffrey R. Holland, "The Holy Ghost," April 1997

"We are to seek, in every way we can, to hear Jesus Christ, who speaks to us through the power and ministering of the Holy Ghost." -Russell M. Nelson "Opening Message" April 2020

Discussion

1. How have you been able to cope with feelings of abandonment, rejection, and betrayal? 

2. Do you feel like you have a continuing relationship with your loved one, even though they are on the other side of the veil? If so, how does that look?

Self-Care

Self-care is not a luxury, but a necessity for healing. Small daily acts of kindness to yourself can make a difference in moments of deep distress. Be patient and compassionate with yourself as you navigate this difficult journey. 

Try a body scan meditation to identify where grief resides in your body:

1. Find a quiet space: Sit or lie down in a comfortable, peaceful environment where you won't be interrupted. Close your eyes.

2. Set an intention: Begin with a simple thought, such as "I am here to honor my grief and understand it."

3. Focus on your breath: Take slow, deep breaths, inhaling deeply through your nose and exhaling gently through your mouth. Allow your body to relax.

4. Scan your body: Slowly bring your attention to each part of your body, starting from your head and moving down to your toes. Pay close attention to areas where you feel tension, pain, or heaviness.

5. Notice sensations without judgment: Observe the physical sensations in each area of your body. If you feel discomfort or tightness, gently acknowledge it without trying to change or fix it.

6. Connect with the emotion: Once you locate areas of tension or heaviness, reflect on the emotions tied to those sensations. Does it feel like sadness, guilt, or longing? Give yourself permission to feel these emotions.

7. Release and soothe: If you feel ready, try soothing these areas by imagining warmth or light flooding through them as you exhale. Offer yourself compassion and reassurance.

8. End with gratitude: When you're ready to finish, take a few deep breaths and thank yourself for creating time to connect with your grief and your body. 

More Self-Care Ideas 

Journal Prompts

• When have I felt most abandoned in my grief, and what emotions surfaced during those moments?

• Do I ever feel betrayed by my loved one? How do I navigate that emotion? 

• Have I ever felt rejected due to my loved one’s death? How has it affected my self-worth? 

• What reminders help me feel connected to my loved one despite their passing?