Anger

In our support group, we discuss common emotions we experience in our grief. We understand that everyone's grief is unique and our emotions may occur in different orders or with varying degrees of intensity and there is no "right" or "wrong" way to feel. 

Anger

Anger is a very common, though often surprising and uncomfortable, emotion that can arise during the grieving process. Here are some reasons why grief can lead to anger: 

• Death is inevitable, and we are powerless to prevent it. This profound helplessness can manifest as anger at the unfairness of the situation. 

• If the death was sudden, unexpected, or traumatic, the shock and lack of preparation can intensify feelings of powerlessness and lead to overwhelming anger. 

• We often grapple with a deep sense of injustice. We may feel that the loss was unfair, especially if the person who died was young, kind, or didn't "deserve" to die. This can lead to anger directed at God.

• Anger can sometimes be easier to feel and express than overwhelming sadness, fear, or vulnerability. It can act as a protective shield, diverting attention from the raw pain of loss. Beneath the anger, we might have feelings of abandonment, disappointment, fear about the future, or profound sadness that are too difficult to confront directly. Anger can be a way to divert these intense, uncomfortable feelings.

• Anger can be directed at family, friends, medical professionals, or the system. We may reset others that we feel contributed to the loss, didn't do enough to prevent it, or aren't offering adequate support. 

• We may feel angry at the person who died for "leaving" us, for not reaching out for help, for being selfish, or for causing us such great pain.

• Grief activates the our body's stress response, releasing hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. This can heighten our emotional sensitivity and make anger more intense and harder to control, leading to irritability or sudden outbursts. 

• The emotional and physical toll of our grief can make it difficult to think clearly, leading to confusion and frustration that can manifest as anger. 

• If we had unresolved conflicts with our loved one, the grief process can bring these issues to the surface, fueling anger. 

“Grief is hard no matter the loss, and I do not minimize anyone’s pain, but suicide is a grief all its own. No matter how you try, you can’t hide from the monster web of emotions, the tangled knot of questions. It can’t be avoided, downplayed, or minimized. It knocks the wind, and sometimes even the faith, out of the strongest of God’s disciples. Latter-day Saints know the great plan of happiness. We believe in the power of the priesthood and the grace of the Atonement. But no matter what our faith has taught us, we still hurt. The plan of happiness doesn’t stop us from experiencing deep loss or grief while in mortality, but some falsely believe that grief won’t be as deep because we have the plan.”  –Ganel-Lyn Condie https://www.ldsliving.com/4-lessons-of-hope-i-learned-from-my-sisters-suicide/s/78249  

Discussion

1. How has anger shown up for you since your loss? What does it feel like in your body? 

2. Who or what do you find yourself feeling angry at? (e.g., your loved one, yourself, doctors, God, the situation, other people) 

3. In what ways do you currently express your anger? Are these ways helpful or unhelpful for you? 

Coping with Anger

"It can help to be aware of the stages of grief. Most people pass through five emotional stages when they grieve: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and adjustment.  Anger: In this stage, individuals may direct anger at God, themselves, or other people around them. Consider...keeping a journal of those angry feelings....(You) may decide to destroy the journal after moving past this stage, but for the time being, it can provide a safe outlet for anger." https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/counseling-resources/grief-and-loss

"Let yourself feel the grief instead of pushing it away. Ignoring it will only make things worse in the long run....Express your true feelings. Crying doesn’t mean that you are weak."

“Jesus wept.” Those two words recorded in John 11:35 describe the Savior’s reaction to the death of His friend Lazarus. Although this is the shortest verse in scripture, it teaches us volumes about the compassion of Jesus Christ and His familiarity with grief. It’s important to understand that the Savior...understands our grief specifically and personally. He is with us in all times, good and bad, no matter what is happening. He “hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows” (Isaiah 53:4)."

"Although we don’t know exactly what was going through the Savior’s mind and heart as He grieved the death of His friend, we do know He prayed while standing at the tomb where Lazarus was buried. “Then they took away the stone from the place where the dead was laid. And Jesus lifted up his eyes, and said, Father, I thank thee that thou hast heard me. And I knew that thou hearest me always” (John 11:41–42). We can follow the Savior’s example of turning toward Heavenly Father in our grief instead of away from Him. Our Heavenly Father loves us. The loss we experience and the grief we feel are not punishments from Him but simply part of our mortal journey." https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/liahona/2020/05-se/grieving-this-season-of-loss 

Discussion

1. What are some things you can do or say in the moment to help manage intense anger, rather than letting it overwhelm you? 

2. How has your relationship with anger changed since your loss? Did you deal with anger differently before? 

3. What role does forgiveness (of yourself, others, or the situation) play in helping you cope with anger? 

Self-Care

Accept your limitations and your pace. Healing takes time, and it's okay to set boundaries or avoid certain triggers until you're ready. Some things may be too difficult for you to do right now, whether that is going into the bedroom of your loved one, visiting their grave, or something else. Remember that the process of grief is slow and everyone heals at different a different pace. Do not rush to catch up to others who seem further ahead in their grieving than you are. It is important you respect your own limitations and figure out on your own terms how and when to push past them. https://samaritanshope.org/resources/the-importance-of-self-care-for-suicide-loss-survivors/ 

More Self-Care Ideas 

Journal Prompts

• When you feel anger rising, what are the first physical sensations you notice? Describe them in detail. 

• Write about a time recently when you felt angry due to your grief. What triggered it, and how did you react? If you could rewind, what would you do differently? 

• Imagine a compassionate version of yourself giving advice on how to handle your anger. What words of wisdom would they offer? 

• What is one thing you are angry about that you haven't allowed yourself to fully acknowledge? Write freely about it without judgment.